apples

there were apple orchards speeding by the car...ripe red circles dotted the landscape here and there. Imagined you picking them off the trees like you so wish to do in the fall. I savored the sight and chose to embed it in my heart rather than a digital image to place so coldly on a screen. After they ceased to be in my view I shot the less important landscape speeding by their back window. The sky was full of thick blue water waiting to spill out over us as we boarded the boat for the long journey home.

this sunday was better

sundays always get me down

ever since my year in Italy Sundays always get me down. one entire day where nothing is open and all doors close you out. surely there was the occasional little tourist trinket store or restaurant with doors wide open ... yet with nothing substantial to offer within.

this day started early for me as I drove my momma-san to the airport. she'll spend a week in my favorite american city of New Orleans, helping demo + rebuild houses still untouched after Katrina's wrath. hours later my presence was requested at lunch. after driving around only to discover that two of the restaurants we craved were both closed (further solidifying my Sunday sadness) we happened upon a southern bbq restaurant out in suburbia. I inched over in the booth and then slouched down in my seat as the blues music and southern atmosphere entered my senses. I became quiet and reflective as my mind traveled to thoughts of southern dusty roads and my happiness that lay await for me there.

I sipped a mojito, ate half of my food, then we skirted out of there. I requested that we stop at a gigantic antique store that was open by the side of the road. once inside, even THAT didn't cheer me up. I crouched down to my knees then sat on the floor slowly rifling though baskets of old photos, and even their ancient faces couldn't cheer me...in fact it just made it worse. At one point my eyes blurred and I had to lean my head back and close my eyes so as not to let tears fall. they never smile in those photos and sometimes it just weighs on me...

in any case I found one group photo which I presumed must have been taken on a Sunday as it appeared a leisurely atmosphere, and this made me smile because it reminded me that Sunday...this day is supposed to be the day of recreation, the relaxing day, the one day NOT to work, and to enjoy your loved ones...

just watch it please

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

[The song: 'Land Locked Blues' by Bright Eyes. The video creator: a guy named Mike]

there is a thing

called depression.

from which I suffer.

my head unscrewed a little last night,

and I'm unable to twist it back on right.

the grey morning sky pressed heavy upon me so that I could not lift the covers off of my body this day.

and there I lay flattened under its pressure.

tell me - how will I survive a life in a city which only receives sunlight 3 months out of every year on average?

tell me how?

the air smells like damp wood. like I may slip on it and fall. and injur myself on accident.

bright eyes

.bright voice. .going on 3 days straight of only allowing his voice and words in my ears.

[although I wish I took that picture, I did not. It was not captioned]

another 'yawn' post

one more day has gone by........but I still feel the same.....will I go back for a third try?

1/3 of my life spent there...everyone I love the mostest resides there (almost). I cannot complain about the sudden rush of emails and phone calls...no way....however it thaws me out and I realize I built up quite the astonishing cast of friends over there.

I've always been complimented on my friends - peeps tell me all the time that if someone is a friend of mine - they must be amazing. Tis' true, I'll admit...I spot and keep the golden ones. Just so happens that the largest contingency resides in the golden state currently or else they are scattered thorughout Europe.

In any case...I am still numb and will not allow emotion..or is it because I do not actually feel anything at all...or rather that I am so much in denial that I don't even recognize myself?

ok

I've been numb ever since I left SF...but I talked for many hours to one of my closest friends in SF this night and all of these memories are flooding over me and I'm asking myself how the hell did I leave that all behind? As if it meant nothing? It hurts in a magnitude I cannot fathom my body bearing right now. Yet I cannot cry still...I'm afraid. 12 years. So many memories, and lately through emails, phone calls, mail, myspace messages, you are all taunting me to come back...asking when?

I am nothing here...the days fall down as I said earlier...what does she do??? what to do? I miss them all so...why does the world have to be so big when it really just feels so small?

the days...

...fall down like domino's...
where do they go? I have no stories to tell the Left Coast so I don't answer when the metal object rings. Why do I shut out the world? I'm sorry. I've just been consumed.

gabrielle

I shot this earlier today...having no idea I would turn into her within a few hours while sitting alone in that darkened theater. Watching the dark ancient scenes mingled with the French voices. I recall not long ago watching the preview of this film and feeling uneasy in my seat as Hubby leaned and whispered to me "she is you, that is you".

He was so right. And at one point she uttered something I have found myself telling only my most intimate of friends as of late. I was paralyzed in my seat from then on. And upon leavng the theater I drove directly home rather than the current engagement to which I am expectd at in 7 minutes time.

I cannot walk out of a film like that and into the bustle of others pointless banter...I needed some time alone first in my sanctuary to digest it. I came home and slipped out of my sandals to feel my bare feet along the warm wooden floorboards of my house, walking between rooms in the darkness of blue. I am coated in a dark blue light all day...as Gabrielle is in the film. Her pale white freckeld skin and dark red hair. She is me. I am her.

When I was s little girl I named myself Gabrielle for a while. People would tell me that it was such a grown up name for such a little girl. I smile at those words now. I didn't understand what they meant, because I did not undertsand that it would take years before I grew into her. How ironic life is...and I don't even want to be her anymore...not for an instant.

no diving?

Oh is that right? Because it's too late I already did. And now you push me out to sea.
So many words to spill but instead I'll keep them and wrap them around my shoulders to build up my armor which I so badly need at this moment ... to protect the fragile one within whom you exposed ... but why'd you even bother ... if only to vanish.
9.2.06

leave me behind next time

it hurts watching beautiful moments + things fade away into the untouchable distance

you stupid girl

.1. it hurts


.2. however the mind gathers strength


.3. to lift her head and open her eyes


He spun you right round. All day my head repeats my title. You have no one to blame but yourself. You've been spun up into a knotted ball. Now gather the strength to spread yourself out into a neat little line.

[this was actually written Sunday (8.27.06) at 2:58 pm with photos taken Saturday (8.26.06) at around the same hour]