ask yourself every day

am I making a mistake?

[and if you peel the multi-faceted layers of your existence back, you're bound to find at least one or two]

the ring

i slipped it off of my finger and placed it in a zipper compartment of my purse saturday night.
it was the third time maybe that a friend mentioned the fact that perhaps it should no longer be worn.
I expressed its lack of meaning and admiration soley of it's aesthetic curvature.
the heads shook that it didn't matter.
take it off.
then they made me glance to see that his was no longer worn on his hand,
and that's when I gazed down and removed it.
i have to admit it produced a small pang of sadness +guilt in my side, that my actions or lack of love directly affected such a sweet soul. life isn't fair.
the rituals humans have created, ridiculous.
why can't i wear a fucking ring if I love it? why are you all such conformists? who runs your mind? and look at me the hypocrite, pressured to do something I don't want to do, however my stance is such that i'm sick of nagging complainers and sometimes it's the only way to shut them up in the end!!!

does a place exist where one can just be themselves? raw and untouched by society? if so, point me in that direction and let me the fuck go!

caffeine-induced randomness

i drank much too much coffee this day.
couple that with the grey sky and muted snow
and a mind that treads repeatedly over past days conversations with strangers
and my conclusion is that i'm manic.
half about to explode with excitement at all the potential newness of my unknown future,
half wanting to crawl beneath soil at the undaunting weight on my shoulders
over all I have to do to prepare to close this chapter once and for all.
it never gets any easier, only more difficult and drawn out.
i'm ready to be a renter again, take away some of the stress.
i never wanted to be an adult anyway,
so screw the harsh judgements I may receive when I depart this cookie-cutter suburban way of life where I am an outsider.

sometimes it is good to tread foreign paths
if only to further solidify your solidarity in the end.
i'm a free spirit and meant to roam.
never be tied down to a location, a house, an object.
a series of tests is all.
enjoy the ride.

happy birthday

little baby...wherever you are now

gaetano

A littl blue-grey tin box decorated with violets, and a death certificate were placed on my lap as I wait in the car outside the pet hospital this day. I couldn't go in that building because it's the last place I looked into his eyes. When I got home I placed the box on the little scratcher he used to love to lay on. It sits empty in the hallway now and every once in a while I pass by and swear I see the mass of him laying there. Where else should I be expected to place his ashes knowing full well that was his favorite place to be?

finally...

a bit of sunlight shrouds the land this day.

it's getting to me

and it's staining my eyes
affecting all that I see.

it wrapped around my skull pushing bleak imagery
into my subconcious ... haunting my nights.

then it slides down and coats my throat
forcing bitter words to the tip of my tongue.

then it seized my heart
froze and shattered it.

I'm that...

...slanted fallen tree.

Not flattened out
along the earth entirely,
but may as well be.

it feels dizziness...

...my body does.
they sliced your precious white little belly
with a scalpel
to suck out all of the sickness
that seeped into you
but it wasn't enough.



R.I.P.
Gaetano "Ali" Z
3.15.99 - 02.23.07

All I want to do is take you in my arms,
wrap you in your warm blue fleece blanket once more...
and walk into the Atlantic ocean with you.
Walk along the ocean floor and take you back to our mother land...
bell' Italia.

Place you on the warm earth and give you one last kiss on your forehead.
You're home now baby.

Ti voglio bene per sempre il mio gattino bellissimo..il piu bellissimo nel mondo!!!

I'm paralyzed

I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed

3 days after..

An all consuming loneliness prevails
this house feels of death in every corner.
His heavy sighs are bricks placed over my feet,
so that I am unable to move or walk away to safety.

I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.

.smash.

Ever feel utterly lonely and alone while in someone's presence? That's how I feel in this hell hole this day. I want to tear off my skin and toss it out onto the snow so as to cool off. I imagine the house and all of its belongings going up in flames. Don't even know if I'd care to walk out the door while it burns, perhaps I'd just walk quietly down the basement stairs, open the old wooden doors and start digging into the dirt floor.

And the one I need is too far out of reach and missing yet again...how does this all work? All seems broken this greyish damned day. Would love sto sleep until Friday folds over my still body.

one of these days

I will be pushed over the brink.
how much should one person take?
I see a little fox laid out on its side in the snow
in the forest where all is quiet.

happy 72nd birthday

This brings to mind one of my favorite B movies Bubba Hotep. If you are an Elvis fan you should check it out:

"We find the King as an elderly resident in an East Texas rest home, who switched identities with an Elvis impersonator years before his “death”, then missed his chance to switch back. Elvis teams up with Jack, a fellow nursing home resident who thinks that he is actually President John F. Kennedy, and the two valiant old codgers sally forth to battle an evil Egyptian entity who has chosen their long-term care facility as his happy hunting grounds… "