FUCKING DYING.
oops - didn't mean the all caps.
too much caffeine.
too many thoughts.
banged my head really hard by accident and have felt off-balance ever since.
my heart races too fast - I can't catch up - it takes away my breath.
I have words that I cannot share.
...keep them inside - where they fester - and haunt me.
the loud music is coarsing though my veins like speed.
a small guilt is brewing inside and nagging at me.
[omitted]
[omitted]
[omitted]
it shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to bury my head.
pour the dirt over me now.
maybe i'll crawl back into the hallowed ground this weekend.
back from whence I came.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
finally
...the day has come to pack the car for Gettysburg. To think I started this blog only a year ago right after I returned from that last trip there. This time we'll head down to Charlestown and Harper's Ferry for a day as well. I need to find a photo gig that allows me to just travel to Civil War battlefields/landmarks for the rest of my days.
It's starting to trip me out owning a home. It just feels like I'm playing grownup for a while. I told the hubs yesterday that if it doesn't work here, I'm already to leave. He said that of course I was, because I'm not happy no matter where I am. So true...so true.
Somewhere in there I have the soul of a gypsy and staying in one place too long makes me severely suffocated. That's why I need to take constant road trips, explore the world. I'm only truly happy then: the kind that dampens the sides of your eyes when you shut them in the dizziness of bliss.
I already feel their feathered wings beating against my rib cage, ready for flight, ready to carry me off. The three little blue birds in my belly...they're really there
It's starting to trip me out owning a home. It just feels like I'm playing grownup for a while. I told the hubs yesterday that if it doesn't work here, I'm already to leave. He said that of course I was, because I'm not happy no matter where I am. So true...so true.
Somewhere in there I have the soul of a gypsy and staying in one place too long makes me severely suffocated. That's why I need to take constant road trips, explore the world. I'm only truly happy then: the kind that dampens the sides of your eyes when you shut them in the dizziness of bliss.
I already feel their feathered wings beating against my rib cage, ready for flight, ready to carry me off. The three little blue birds in my belly...they're really there
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
summer
There's nothing quite as charming as summer on the east coast in my eyes:
Walking barefoot on warm grass.
Warm evenings with no need to layer up due to the incorrigible fog rolling in over the mountains.
Hazy, humid, languid days that press upon and stretch you out to a peaceful yet ecstatic point of bliss.
Freckles surfacing in the sun, coating me in that far away feeling of youth.
Smiles on strangers faces because they've crawled out of winter's hibernation.
Lush green life devouring the landscape.
Sundresses, skirts, sandals...wearing next to nothing on your glistening skin...
The orange-pink sun dipping into the horizon late in the evening, casting the warmest glow over the land.
Fireflies quietly igniting the darkest shadows.
Refreshing summer flavored cocktails outdoors until the wee hours with friends.
Crickets outside of your open window at night, lulling you off to the most pleasant of dreams.
Walking barefoot on warm grass.
Warm evenings with no need to layer up due to the incorrigible fog rolling in over the mountains.
Hazy, humid, languid days that press upon and stretch you out to a peaceful yet ecstatic point of bliss.
Freckles surfacing in the sun, coating me in that far away feeling of youth.
Smiles on strangers faces because they've crawled out of winter's hibernation.
Lush green life devouring the landscape.
Sundresses, skirts, sandals...wearing next to nothing on your glistening skin...
The orange-pink sun dipping into the horizon late in the evening, casting the warmest glow over the land.
Fireflies quietly igniting the darkest shadows.
Refreshing summer flavored cocktails outdoors until the wee hours with friends.
Crickets outside of your open window at night, lulling you off to the most pleasant of dreams.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
brown and allen
We went and saw James Brown last night. Electric. He's 73 (I believe) and still gettin' down onstage. What a lively audience. We sat in the 8th row so we had a good look at his large ensemble, his backup singers, dancers, his glittery smiley self. We sat behind 3 tiny silver clouds of hair, it was all you could see above their seats, so tiny these little old ladies, and once the music blared they were groovin' just as much as everyone else, if not more...what a sight!
Quite a contrast to Woody Allen and his New Orleans jazz band the night before, as they sat languidly in a row of chairs an hour and a half. Old tyme music made me shake my shoulders back and forth as we sat but Hubby informed me that I was shaking the whole row so I tried to redirect that energy into my right knee. The crowd was frozen rows of white hair, gold jewelry, sports-jackets, and comb-overs.
James' crowd was studded with zoot suits and fancy canes, all colors of men's fedoras, shiny solid ties tucked under pinstriped wide shouldered jackets, wide brimmed ladies hats and hair braided with strings of golden brightness. Shoulder-padded ladies jackets and shimmery fabrics all pushing tightly upon each-other as there was a mad rush for the entrance only minutes before the show.
Shame on my lack of solidarity when I followed the crowd in silence while Woody's band walked out single file on stage amidst the quiet and then the crowd blew up once they saw him trail out second to last. It hurt my heart and I refused to clap for him. I saved my emphatic claps for the banjo solo's and chuckled after Woody's fluttering clarinet playing. He was humble all-in-all in the end and their overpriced ticket sales were a benefit for New Orleans musicians.
Quite a contrast to Woody Allen and his New Orleans jazz band the night before, as they sat languidly in a row of chairs an hour and a half. Old tyme music made me shake my shoulders back and forth as we sat but Hubby informed me that I was shaking the whole row so I tried to redirect that energy into my right knee. The crowd was frozen rows of white hair, gold jewelry, sports-jackets, and comb-overs.
James' crowd was studded with zoot suits and fancy canes, all colors of men's fedoras, shiny solid ties tucked under pinstriped wide shouldered jackets, wide brimmed ladies hats and hair braided with strings of golden brightness. Shoulder-padded ladies jackets and shimmery fabrics all pushing tightly upon each-other as there was a mad rush for the entrance only minutes before the show.
Shame on my lack of solidarity when I followed the crowd in silence while Woody's band walked out single file on stage amidst the quiet and then the crowd blew up once they saw him trail out second to last. It hurt my heart and I refused to clap for him. I saved my emphatic claps for the banjo solo's and chuckled after Woody's fluttering clarinet playing. He was humble all-in-all in the end and their overpriced ticket sales were a benefit for New Orleans musicians.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
goodness
I am so embarrassed to admit this, but I logged on late last night after having a friend over for cocktails. Our one casual martini turned into hours and hours of wonderful word exchanges and then I grabbed a fresh bottle of six grapes port out of the cupboard and before any of us knew it...it was empty, the candles were dimming out, and his fresh pack of cigarettes had morphed into a pile of mangled stubs and ash in the orange square ashtray.
In any case, I now vaguely recall sitting here typing this entry last night, but in all honesty I had thought I dreamt it when an image of it flashed quickly in my mind today, and only now when I sit to check emails and see 2 new comments had been added did I realize that it had been real. So what I'm really trying to say is that was my first buzzed/drunken blog post! Ick!
Not to worry, I can be dramatic at times, I'm sure I'll post random tidbits from time to time. It is true though that I am overcome with the desire to write in my neglected journal, and I somehow can't manage to do both, it's one or the other for me...all or nothing.
In any case, I now vaguely recall sitting here typing this entry last night, but in all honesty I had thought I dreamt it when an image of it flashed quickly in my mind today, and only now when I sit to check emails and see 2 new comments had been added did I realize that it had been real. So what I'm really trying to say is that was my first buzzed/drunken blog post! Ick!
Not to worry, I can be dramatic at times, I'm sure I'll post random tidbits from time to time. It is true though that I am overcome with the desire to write in my neglected journal, and I somehow can't manage to do both, it's one or the other for me...all or nothing.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I mean...what's the point really?
No one reads this blog anyway...this may be my blogger goodbye post, perhpas it's time to go back to my hand written journals.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
quiet day
barefoot on warm wood. a quiet grey sky. outside the branches bounce slightly under the wind but I cannot hear the rustling from indoors. so much time left at the end of the day to face the thoughts that tend to get pushed aside during the day.
Monday, May 15, 2006
it's the small things
the house smells warm...like sweet coffee and fresh cut lilacs.
there are lilacs bundled in antique vases in every room of the house, I carried them in from the blooming trees in my front yard.
we sleep in every morning lately until 9 or 10, occasionally turning to smile at each other and giggle before dipping back into a shallow stream of dreams.
a friend dropped in today to plant flowers in my yard, she was dressed in dirt-coated jeans and quickly took the shovel from my hands and began to unearth a shallow line of dirt. that smell of moist rich soil lifted to our noses as a light rain fell over our shoulders. her little dog sat at my feet whimpering as he stared up at me, leaving little hairs at the hem of my pants, this made me smile so I leaned down to shower him with the palms of my hands.
there are lilacs bundled in antique vases in every room of the house, I carried them in from the blooming trees in my front yard.
we sleep in every morning lately until 9 or 10, occasionally turning to smile at each other and giggle before dipping back into a shallow stream of dreams.
a friend dropped in today to plant flowers in my yard, she was dressed in dirt-coated jeans and quickly took the shovel from my hands and began to unearth a shallow line of dirt. that smell of moist rich soil lifted to our noses as a light rain fell over our shoulders. her little dog sat at my feet whimpering as he stared up at me, leaving little hairs at the hem of my pants, this made me smile so I leaned down to shower him with the palms of my hands.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
new photos
I've collected a few more images to add to my antique photo collection during my travels as of late. The majority of them are from northern california, arizona, nevada, the midwest, and upstate new york.
If you've visited before I recommend you starting at the end of the grids and work yourself backwards for the newer images.
springtime can kill you
the new Jolie Holland cd came out in stores 2 days ago...it's very dreamy + delicious! I was so disappointed today to find out that she will be performing 2 shows in San Francisco, now that I've moved to the other side of the country...oh well...what are you gonna do! I've got Ben Lee, Woody Allen, Asylum Street Spankers, James Brown, and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band to make up for it in the upcoming weeks so I'm not complaining!
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
yay!
just received my 3 day pass to the Gettysburg reenactments, and tix to james brown + woody allen and his new orleans jazz band at our local jazz fest! that's happiness!
that and doing yardwork into the twilight hours after having family over for a fabulous day...bliss this far.
also made a killer trip to an antique warehuse where we purchased 2 farm tables, 3 old wooden theater chairs, a rocking chair, a lamp, a cool painting of a girl and a dead dove on a table, civil war books, an old typewriter, and miscellaneous coolio objects and fit it ALL into one truck load!! yippee!
that and doing yardwork into the twilight hours after having family over for a fabulous day...bliss this far.
also made a killer trip to an antique warehuse where we purchased 2 farm tables, 3 old wooden theater chairs, a rocking chair, a lamp, a cool painting of a girl and a dead dove on a table, civil war books, an old typewriter, and miscellaneous coolio objects and fit it ALL into one truck load!! yippee!
Friday, April 21, 2006
happy, happy, happy
.sigh.
my cheeks are red from doing yardwork in a 72 degree hazy day.
who knew the thoughts and conversations one has with themselves when surrounded all day by complete silence save for the scattering of chirping birds?
I think I achieved closure with many suppressed thoughts and ideas that had been compacted deep into the back nooks of my mind. when I walk indoors to our cozy home the smile on my face is pure. you asked me how I felt and I slowly gazed at you and responded "...peaceful".
my cheeks are red from doing yardwork in a 72 degree hazy day.
who knew the thoughts and conversations one has with themselves when surrounded all day by complete silence save for the scattering of chirping birds?
I think I achieved closure with many suppressed thoughts and ideas that had been compacted deep into the back nooks of my mind. when I walk indoors to our cozy home the smile on my face is pure. you asked me how I felt and I slowly gazed at you and responded "...peaceful".
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