It's all going away...empty mind. Tomorrow evening we're having a goodbye get together at my favorits 85 year old bar in the italian district. We will sit in the back corner booth for 9 hours. I invited over 60 people.
I try to make myself cry so I won't cry tomorrow and cause a scene. When I see friends get teary eyed I just look away lately...it makes me hyper for some childish reason to watch their eyes redden. I just giggle becasue that's the way I cope: avoidance.
The best I've got so far is that the far sides of my eyes hold a small tear, otherwise from the eyes down, I am numb.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
all is quiet
I am slowly watching strangers come into my home and cart off my posessions. They leave me a small stack of bills in their place, and the comfort that affords is fleeting and empty...like our apartment.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
Friday, March 03, 2006
final countdown
It's almost time to go. The countdown has begun. 27 days. Every weekend booked with visitors until we leave. Friends flying in from out of state, relatives flying in from out of the country. Days packed with work and social outings.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
south lake
Last weekend a pair of friends took Hubby and I and two other friends to South Lake Tahoe where they had rented a cabin for us all for the weekend.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
last minute
A good friend called me a couple of days ago and told me he had two free tickets to a concert that evening. The main band was his friend's band and he happened to be the son of Joan Baez so she was opening up for her sons band. It was a small venue (200+/-) and when we arrived he reserved two seats in the front row for us with our names written out on yellow post-its, the third seat next to mine said Joan, but sat empty half of the evening.
He brought us each a glass of wine and the lights dimmed almost immediately and out she came in orange scarves and suede. Her sons band followed and they performed West-African drum music and were flanked by dancers, then Joan would come out and dance and then by the end everyone was up and dancing in the crowd and they were pulling everyone up onto the small stage with them. I felt like some higher being was dangling me above them all by the backs of my ears so that my toes lightly brushed above the intoxicating vibrating drum cloud which absorbed everyone in its presence. Tears perched upon the high ledge which protects my soul and I let them drop as I exchanged ecstatic glances with the surrounding strangers.
It is a very surreal life which I will be leaving behind here. Very surreal.
He brought us each a glass of wine and the lights dimmed almost immediately and out she came in orange scarves and suede. Her sons band followed and they performed West-African drum music and were flanked by dancers, then Joan would come out and dance and then by the end everyone was up and dancing in the crowd and they were pulling everyone up onto the small stage with them. I felt like some higher being was dangling me above them all by the backs of my ears so that my toes lightly brushed above the intoxicating vibrating drum cloud which absorbed everyone in its presence. Tears perched upon the high ledge which protects my soul and I let them drop as I exchanged ecstatic glances with the surrounding strangers.
It is a very surreal life which I will be leaving behind here. Very surreal.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
bittersweet
I said my first goodbye yesterday. It was to an Art Director I've worked with on photo shoots for the past half a year or so...when we stood at the corner of the parking lot and I realized I wouldn't be working with her again before I left she reached out and gave me another big hug even though we'd only just hugged goodbye moments before.
I turned around and walked away on the cold grey cement slabs until I dashed out and ran across the six lanes of oncoming traffic to the other side of the street. The fog was drifting in circles above my head, the cold wind pushing it around the tops of skyscrapers...devouring them. To think...it was about 20 degrees cooler only hours before.
My mind keeps saying "bittersweet...bittersweet" when people tell me how much they'll miss me. I smile back and calmly tell them in a higher pitch that I too will be missing them, and my cheeks flame up to pink when I imagine the wooden house waiting under a thin blanket of snow back east for us. I become lost in my thoughts and detatched from the group as my heart starts to ache for my new quiet life. Bittersweet is my love.
I turned around and walked away on the cold grey cement slabs until I dashed out and ran across the six lanes of oncoming traffic to the other side of the street. The fog was drifting in circles above my head, the cold wind pushing it around the tops of skyscrapers...devouring them. To think...it was about 20 degrees cooler only hours before.
My mind keeps saying "bittersweet...bittersweet" when people tell me how much they'll miss me. I smile back and calmly tell them in a higher pitch that I too will be missing them, and my cheeks flame up to pink when I imagine the wooden house waiting under a thin blanket of snow back east for us. I become lost in my thoughts and detatched from the group as my heart starts to ache for my new quiet life. Bittersweet is my love.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
ocd is a green wooden rattle
It's getting out of hand again lately. Shutting car doors 3 times, knocking on wood 3 x 3 times about one hundred times a day whenever anything remotely negative crawls inside my head.
Washing my hands obsessively on photo shoots, rubbing my left knee, then my right, then my left, etc. anytime I kneel...to such a degree that an assistant commented on it and retold my friends later when we went for drinks after work. Anytime anything comes in physical contact with me I have to brush that area clean with my hand 3 times then touch it 3 times for 3 seconds, then tap it 3 times.....what the FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?
I bought a little green wooden rattle ball yesterday for no reason and carried it in my right hand all day and rolled it in full cirles in my palm 3 times anytime I heard it make a noise. My friend asked my why I was buying it when she saw me standing at the counter with it and I replied "I don't know-I can't explain to you...OK - it's making me buy it".
Washing my hands obsessively on photo shoots, rubbing my left knee, then my right, then my left, etc. anytime I kneel...to such a degree that an assistant commented on it and retold my friends later when we went for drinks after work. Anytime anything comes in physical contact with me I have to brush that area clean with my hand 3 times then touch it 3 times for 3 seconds, then tap it 3 times.....what the FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?
I bought a little green wooden rattle ball yesterday for no reason and carried it in my right hand all day and rolled it in full cirles in my palm 3 times anytime I heard it make a noise. My friend asked my why I was buying it when she saw me standing at the counter with it and I replied "I don't know-I can't explain to you...OK - it's making me buy it".
Saturday, January 28, 2006
dream
Can't explain why, but lately I haven't wanted to reveal the goings on in my mind on this blog anymore, but dreams don't count, so here is a snip-pit of the dream I had last night:
I was in an oversized house that had a warehouse sized floor of large bins and short aisles of antiques. In that store I wandered in a state of blissful hysteria through the rows of items, pointing at the things that caught my eye, but I was painfully aware of a time constraint that kept me constantly walking through looking at everything, never having time to really stop and inspect the items.
In any case, within that rushed sensation I stopped upon a little old dollhouse that had little white rectangular price stickers on each of the tiny furniture items inside of it. "How darling!" I thought, that even the tiny furniture in the dollhouse was considered antique and of individual value. Then I squinted closely to see the prices and was a bit nonplussed at how overpriced they all were. Then I noted a little clock on the wall that was just a circular paper cutout with the numbers penciled in and that it was priced at $9.22 and this outraged me. I peeled the phony paper clock off the wall and took it to the register to complain and a small shouting match between the overseer of the store and I ensued. He tried to justify the price by stating the fact that whoever made that paper and pressed lead clock had made it long ago when they owned the dollhouse, and that therefore due to the time-period it was made in, it was considered an antique drawing, rendering it a valuable item.
I was in an oversized house that had a warehouse sized floor of large bins and short aisles of antiques. In that store I wandered in a state of blissful hysteria through the rows of items, pointing at the things that caught my eye, but I was painfully aware of a time constraint that kept me constantly walking through looking at everything, never having time to really stop and inspect the items.
In any case, within that rushed sensation I stopped upon a little old dollhouse that had little white rectangular price stickers on each of the tiny furniture items inside of it. "How darling!" I thought, that even the tiny furniture in the dollhouse was considered antique and of individual value. Then I squinted closely to see the prices and was a bit nonplussed at how overpriced they all were. Then I noted a little clock on the wall that was just a circular paper cutout with the numbers penciled in and that it was priced at $9.22 and this outraged me. I peeled the phony paper clock off the wall and took it to the register to complain and a small shouting match between the overseer of the store and I ensued. He tried to justify the price by stating the fact that whoever made that paper and pressed lead clock had made it long ago when they owned the dollhouse, and that therefore due to the time-period it was made in, it was considered an antique drawing, rendering it a valuable item.
Monday, January 23, 2006
busy bee
Sorry I have been so absent. Working 12-15 hour days, then partying with friends, trying to make the most of my last weeks here. Spent the weekend in Big Sur beneath the redwoods and the warm sun. Bought a dark stained wooden chair dating from the early 1900's at an antique store on our way there. Took a book called Reliving Past Lives off the used book shelf at the library there and haven't put it down since I forked over my $4 for it. That's about it...thrilling I know!
Thing is life is so exhilarating right now and I've momentarily decided to finally just live my life in the moment and not try to document it with words here or in my personal journals or to photograph it or try digging through boxes of strangers faces in musty dark antique houses to wonder about their lives either for that matter. My quiet eyes are just steadily sucking in their surroundings and the feeling in my chest of contentedness is a bit overwhelming. Anyway...so that's why there are no pics and no details of all the glory of my current moments and interactions.
Thing is life is so exhilarating right now and I've momentarily decided to finally just live my life in the moment and not try to document it with words here or in my personal journals or to photograph it or try digging through boxes of strangers faces in musty dark antique houses to wonder about their lives either for that matter. My quiet eyes are just steadily sucking in their surroundings and the feeling in my chest of contentedness is a bit overwhelming. Anyway...so that's why there are no pics and no details of all the glory of my current moments and interactions.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I am consumed with...
love for this wooden creature we purchased. I'm experiencing overwhelming nolstagia as I stroll around San Fran, can't believe I'm leaving it for a snowy-grey climate....we'll see how long it lasts. Bittersweet stinging tears roll down my face unprovoked at least once a day. Sucks seeing my friends bummed out over our leaving. Some are not taking it so well...makes me blue.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
we
bought our dreamhouse. I am now a home owner and am moving back to my native coast. will be even busier now.
Monday, December 26, 2005
I have to say...
...this has been one of the best holidays in a long time. My family opted for donating money to charity this year instead of over indulging each other with a bunch of crap we don't need. We all figured we have everything we need or want and if we didn't we'd of bought it by now anyways. I did receive a toothbrush and an Elvis christmas ornament for Christmas anyways but I was beaming all day long yesterday knowing we donated a few hundred dollars to feed a whole community of formerly homeless people in San Francisco instead of sitting there behind a pile of meaningless objects.
We selected the organization one of my best friends runs in SF which provides housing for formerly homeless individuals. He used our money to give them a fully catered christmas dinner party and took pictures of their beaming faces. He sent me the digital pics right away and we crowded around the monitor to look at the images and my family's faces mirrored those faces in the photos.
We did still buy presents for the children though and it was sad watching them just bulldoze through the gifts and then be immediately discontent and wondering if there were more because the fifty million presents piled up next to them apparently were not sufficient enough for them. Hmm. Neauseating.
Anyway...My kids will each get 3 gifts on christmas and have to donate 3 of their belongings in return, the yin and the yang, keep the flow going....but I say that now...I'll probably spoil them rotten too. Anyways I'm just saying that because of my 3 factor. Happy Holidays y'all!
We selected the organization one of my best friends runs in SF which provides housing for formerly homeless individuals. He used our money to give them a fully catered christmas dinner party and took pictures of their beaming faces. He sent me the digital pics right away and we crowded around the monitor to look at the images and my family's faces mirrored those faces in the photos.
We did still buy presents for the children though and it was sad watching them just bulldoze through the gifts and then be immediately discontent and wondering if there were more because the fifty million presents piled up next to them apparently were not sufficient enough for them. Hmm. Neauseating.
Anyway...My kids will each get 3 gifts on christmas and have to donate 3 of their belongings in return, the yin and the yang, keep the flow going....but I say that now...I'll probably spoil them rotten too. Anyways I'm just saying that because of my 3 factor. Happy Holidays y'all!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
time flies
we just placed a purchase offer on a house here...been busy....whirlwind...dream house...hmmm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)