Tuesday, May 16, 2006
quiet day
barefoot on warm wood. a quiet grey sky. outside the branches bounce slightly under the wind but I cannot hear the rustling from indoors. so much time left at the end of the day to face the thoughts that tend to get pushed aside during the day.
Monday, May 15, 2006
it's the small things
the house smells warm...like sweet coffee and fresh cut lilacs.
there are lilacs bundled in antique vases in every room of the house, I carried them in from the blooming trees in my front yard.
we sleep in every morning lately until 9 or 10, occasionally turning to smile at each other and giggle before dipping back into a shallow stream of dreams.
a friend dropped in today to plant flowers in my yard, she was dressed in dirt-coated jeans and quickly took the shovel from my hands and began to unearth a shallow line of dirt. that smell of moist rich soil lifted to our noses as a light rain fell over our shoulders. her little dog sat at my feet whimpering as he stared up at me, leaving little hairs at the hem of my pants, this made me smile so I leaned down to shower him with the palms of my hands.
there are lilacs bundled in antique vases in every room of the house, I carried them in from the blooming trees in my front yard.
we sleep in every morning lately until 9 or 10, occasionally turning to smile at each other and giggle before dipping back into a shallow stream of dreams.
a friend dropped in today to plant flowers in my yard, she was dressed in dirt-coated jeans and quickly took the shovel from my hands and began to unearth a shallow line of dirt. that smell of moist rich soil lifted to our noses as a light rain fell over our shoulders. her little dog sat at my feet whimpering as he stared up at me, leaving little hairs at the hem of my pants, this made me smile so I leaned down to shower him with the palms of my hands.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
new photos
I've collected a few more images to add to my antique photo collection during my travels as of late. The majority of them are from northern california, arizona, nevada, the midwest, and upstate new york.
If you've visited before I recommend you starting at the end of the grids and work yourself backwards for the newer images.
springtime can kill you
the new Jolie Holland cd came out in stores 2 days ago...it's very dreamy + delicious! I was so disappointed today to find out that she will be performing 2 shows in San Francisco, now that I've moved to the other side of the country...oh well...what are you gonna do! I've got Ben Lee, Woody Allen, Asylum Street Spankers, James Brown, and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band to make up for it in the upcoming weeks so I'm not complaining!
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
yay!
just received my 3 day pass to the Gettysburg reenactments, and tix to james brown + woody allen and his new orleans jazz band at our local jazz fest! that's happiness!
that and doing yardwork into the twilight hours after having family over for a fabulous day...bliss this far.
also made a killer trip to an antique warehuse where we purchased 2 farm tables, 3 old wooden theater chairs, a rocking chair, a lamp, a cool painting of a girl and a dead dove on a table, civil war books, an old typewriter, and miscellaneous coolio objects and fit it ALL into one truck load!! yippee!
that and doing yardwork into the twilight hours after having family over for a fabulous day...bliss this far.
also made a killer trip to an antique warehuse where we purchased 2 farm tables, 3 old wooden theater chairs, a rocking chair, a lamp, a cool painting of a girl and a dead dove on a table, civil war books, an old typewriter, and miscellaneous coolio objects and fit it ALL into one truck load!! yippee!
Friday, April 21, 2006
happy, happy, happy
.sigh.
my cheeks are red from doing yardwork in a 72 degree hazy day.
who knew the thoughts and conversations one has with themselves when surrounded all day by complete silence save for the scattering of chirping birds?
I think I achieved closure with many suppressed thoughts and ideas that had been compacted deep into the back nooks of my mind. when I walk indoors to our cozy home the smile on my face is pure. you asked me how I felt and I slowly gazed at you and responded "...peaceful".
my cheeks are red from doing yardwork in a 72 degree hazy day.
who knew the thoughts and conversations one has with themselves when surrounded all day by complete silence save for the scattering of chirping birds?
I think I achieved closure with many suppressed thoughts and ideas that had been compacted deep into the back nooks of my mind. when I walk indoors to our cozy home the smile on my face is pure. you asked me how I felt and I slowly gazed at you and responded "...peaceful".
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
numb
It's all going away...empty mind. Tomorrow evening we're having a goodbye get together at my favorits 85 year old bar in the italian district. We will sit in the back corner booth for 9 hours. I invited over 60 people.
I try to make myself cry so I won't cry tomorrow and cause a scene. When I see friends get teary eyed I just look away lately...it makes me hyper for some childish reason to watch their eyes redden. I just giggle becasue that's the way I cope: avoidance.
The best I've got so far is that the far sides of my eyes hold a small tear, otherwise from the eyes down, I am numb.
I try to make myself cry so I won't cry tomorrow and cause a scene. When I see friends get teary eyed I just look away lately...it makes me hyper for some childish reason to watch their eyes redden. I just giggle becasue that's the way I cope: avoidance.
The best I've got so far is that the far sides of my eyes hold a small tear, otherwise from the eyes down, I am numb.
all is quiet
I am slowly watching strangers come into my home and cart off my posessions. They leave me a small stack of bills in their place, and the comfort that affords is fleeting and empty...like our apartment.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
Friday, March 03, 2006
final countdown
It's almost time to go. The countdown has begun. 27 days. Every weekend booked with visitors until we leave. Friends flying in from out of state, relatives flying in from out of the country. Days packed with work and social outings.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
south lake
Last weekend a pair of friends took Hubby and I and two other friends to South Lake Tahoe where they had rented a cabin for us all for the weekend.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
last minute
A good friend called me a couple of days ago and told me he had two free tickets to a concert that evening. The main band was his friend's band and he happened to be the son of Joan Baez so she was opening up for her sons band. It was a small venue (200+/-) and when we arrived he reserved two seats in the front row for us with our names written out on yellow post-its, the third seat next to mine said Joan, but sat empty half of the evening.
He brought us each a glass of wine and the lights dimmed almost immediately and out she came in orange scarves and suede. Her sons band followed and they performed West-African drum music and were flanked by dancers, then Joan would come out and dance and then by the end everyone was up and dancing in the crowd and they were pulling everyone up onto the small stage with them. I felt like some higher being was dangling me above them all by the backs of my ears so that my toes lightly brushed above the intoxicating vibrating drum cloud which absorbed everyone in its presence. Tears perched upon the high ledge which protects my soul and I let them drop as I exchanged ecstatic glances with the surrounding strangers.
It is a very surreal life which I will be leaving behind here. Very surreal.
He brought us each a glass of wine and the lights dimmed almost immediately and out she came in orange scarves and suede. Her sons band followed and they performed West-African drum music and were flanked by dancers, then Joan would come out and dance and then by the end everyone was up and dancing in the crowd and they were pulling everyone up onto the small stage with them. I felt like some higher being was dangling me above them all by the backs of my ears so that my toes lightly brushed above the intoxicating vibrating drum cloud which absorbed everyone in its presence. Tears perched upon the high ledge which protects my soul and I let them drop as I exchanged ecstatic glances with the surrounding strangers.
It is a very surreal life which I will be leaving behind here. Very surreal.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
bittersweet
I said my first goodbye yesterday. It was to an Art Director I've worked with on photo shoots for the past half a year or so...when we stood at the corner of the parking lot and I realized I wouldn't be working with her again before I left she reached out and gave me another big hug even though we'd only just hugged goodbye moments before.
I turned around and walked away on the cold grey cement slabs until I dashed out and ran across the six lanes of oncoming traffic to the other side of the street. The fog was drifting in circles above my head, the cold wind pushing it around the tops of skyscrapers...devouring them. To think...it was about 20 degrees cooler only hours before.
My mind keeps saying "bittersweet...bittersweet" when people tell me how much they'll miss me. I smile back and calmly tell them in a higher pitch that I too will be missing them, and my cheeks flame up to pink when I imagine the wooden house waiting under a thin blanket of snow back east for us. I become lost in my thoughts and detatched from the group as my heart starts to ache for my new quiet life. Bittersweet is my love.
I turned around and walked away on the cold grey cement slabs until I dashed out and ran across the six lanes of oncoming traffic to the other side of the street. The fog was drifting in circles above my head, the cold wind pushing it around the tops of skyscrapers...devouring them. To think...it was about 20 degrees cooler only hours before.
My mind keeps saying "bittersweet...bittersweet" when people tell me how much they'll miss me. I smile back and calmly tell them in a higher pitch that I too will be missing them, and my cheeks flame up to pink when I imagine the wooden house waiting under a thin blanket of snow back east for us. I become lost in my thoughts and detatched from the group as my heart starts to ache for my new quiet life. Bittersweet is my love.
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