I'll never be normal

plain and simple. so why should I be surprised that when I went down to bed just now and a bottle of my favorite "extinct" oil the hill woman made fell and crashed into the sink....spraying the freshly cleaned white sprakling bathroom I slaved over for 2 hours today in the muggiest heat....why should I be surprised that I picked up a shard of that glass and ran it along my arm to appease the chaos of that horrid sight. dark brown oil splattered over everything: my fresh white rug I had just placed down moments before after I took it out of the dryer, the floor, the walls, the sink, the mirror, the counters, the objects, and me.

and then the deepr pain which is starting to make me insane. and all for what? what will come of it and the distance? I'm making myself suffer - why can't I stop it. I had no idea I had it this bad...no fucking idea. it's been 14 years since I last made a cut....14 years, divide that in half ... 7...7 years....the 7 year cycle..I hate the number 7...and it would always be 7....I need to go back to the numbness. numb. number.