the south...

is still where it's at for me. I was looking at some of the photos on some stranger's page of the southern landscape...and a melancholy ensued in my head. this will be a quiet day.

in my dream last night I went back to California and realized I was better suited there however I knew that coming to the east coast was part of the process. I leaned out of a big open window in my new home there...no screens because there were no bugs. but the sun never came up.

still I am arrested by the leftover trails of knowledge that this dream somehow imparted upon me. can't make sense of it and it's troubling me.

I am at a complete standstill. I'm going to walk up to the sun and place out my hands. bye now.

the words come later I told her

this is where we spent our minutes yesterday. we climbed those stone stairs that wove around the bending and descending water.
.everyone has their place.
.to be.
I found ours and it was agreed upon immediately.
we slowly tiptoed along slippery wet rocks to the shade and partially undressed before placing our bodies in the shallow pool near the sound of the accordion player.

there we sat as the warm and forceful water pushed against our arms for the next hour. my face was wide and bright. I held my knees tightly in my arms and rested my face upon them as I watched the water ball up and fall away in the distance. she sat across from me and we shot eachother silent smiles. soon 8 children came and played within our space. they shared the constant smile with us. it makes my eyes water to recall it now. after some time they left and all turned repeatedly to wave again and again and again. they could not seem to stop looking back. strangers mean something sometimes... to them I am grateful.

she is gone 5 hours now. on a train headed south, my eternally favorite direction...some day I will wrap that word permanently around this body. "how romantic..." I said as I let her out of my arms at the station earlier this day "...the train and the american landscape."

mine eyes hurt at the edges now. I went and lay on her bed and fell asleep just now. like last night as we lay still in the darkness on our backs talking. only to wake to a new day 5 hours later. I had wanted to sleep next to her the whole duration because I do not like where I lay at night as of late. I want my own room. my own space. my own skin. my own air. my own tears.

I am suffocating this way. always watching over me. tending to me. at my feet. over my shoulder. hands all over me that I constantly push away. god help me. on the sunday boat your voice followed me - telling me constantly to be careful, at one point I kneeled on the slippery bow of the boat and growled before your words sent me plunging over the side to the deepest depths of the darkness to let out my screams.

the words are elsewhere

and this last day

...I wanted to dive deep between the water to scream...

...but momma-san was there to save me...

...and help me gather the fallen words back up.

Out on blue and red rafts we floated to the center of the lake. I threw the words out over the water and the waves brought them crashing back to us. Sometimes this startled her and she'd scream and we'd let our heads fall in laughter and splashes.

All that darkness swelling beneath my body, not knowing what dwelled there. My worst fears would rise and make my feet kick quickly to move us in such a way that made the water blur out and fade away from my peripheral view.

Momma-san held fast to my raft as I dragged her for 3 hours with my paddling arms and haunting words. The sun settled within our skin. I hold that heat even now...the warmth of knowing I am loved unconditionally.

hmmmm

this is the third day in which Hubbs wedding ring sits on the little ledge in the kitchen...directly next to the salt and pepper shaker he uses at least twice a day when he prepares our food - mind you.

this day

...I wanted to sleep beneath the water...









...but I only got this far...

momma-san

it was so nice stepping in and upon your wooden floors barefoot just now. your house smells of the most lovely images my heart can imagine. as I stood out on your balcony with your watering can I saw the soil consume the small rain that poured. it made me smile Momma-San. there I stood watering your soil while you now walk upon mine in Gettysburg. How fitting is that? You and Nana roam around with your eyes coating that place which I love most. with the amount of water my eyes have stored up I could have easily kept that soil damp for you, but ironically while within your walls it was the only time mine eyes went completely dry.

I stood at the doorway upon departure, hesitating. I didn't want to go. The only allure outside that door for me was the forest in the distance that seemed to beckon. I love that one must drive through a small chaotic jungle before being spewed out to the expanse of the sea that is your backyard essentially...little Momma-San in my mind we embrace.

[that is not a pic of Momma's balcony]

not everything has a title

Strange dreams. Never daylight. I went through the actions of your day, only with my cast. I woke up this morning abruptly. No reason...and just as soon as I was jolted awake I felt a tight grip around the jugular. There it stays, apparently only tightening as the minutes go on. At this point tears sit at the edges of the eyes waiting to take flight.

I'll never be normal

plain and simple. so why should I be surprised that when I went down to bed just now and a bottle of my favorite "extinct" oil the hill woman made fell and crashed into the sink....spraying the freshly cleaned white sprakling bathroom I slaved over for 2 hours today in the muggiest heat....why should I be surprised that I picked up a shard of that glass and ran it along my arm to appease the chaos of that horrid sight. dark brown oil splattered over everything: my fresh white rug I had just placed down moments before after I took it out of the dryer, the floor, the walls, the sink, the mirror, the counters, the objects, and me.

and then the deepr pain which is starting to make me insane. and all for what? what will come of it and the distance? I'm making myself suffer - why can't I stop it. I had no idea I had it this bad...no fucking idea. it's been 14 years since I last made a cut....14 years, divide that in half ... 7...7 years....the 7 year cycle..I hate the number 7...and it would always be 7....I need to go back to the numbness. numb. number.

no words for strangers

...especially those who lack class. Yesterday I was standing third in line for the ladies room at a bar and the two "women" in front of me weren't holding their liquor very well lets just say. The second lady kept half squatting - doing the potty dance, or what have you and shouting loudly to the woman in the bathroom, then went up and starting pulling hard on the locked bathroom door, shaking it in its frame. I was astonished and embarrassed to even bare witness to this.

She then looked at me and said something I couldn't decipher and laughed. I just stood still and fluttered my eyelids saying ".....hmmmm...do you know that woman in there?" To which she flung her hand out at me as if to swat something in the air between our faces and said "heavens no....mummmmble mummm" to which I again said "hmmmmm" and smiled courteously at her and turned my head away to shield a smile from bursting into a laugh. Then she started discussing the possibility that the bathroom wouldn't have a pleasing scent judging from the length of time it had been occupied thus far...only her wording was not very lady-like I can assure you.

You MUST be kidding me I thought to myself. Then I started scanning my eyes over the other inhabitants of the bar and my throat dropped to my stomach in despair. "A whole other breed" I thought sadly to myself. Then suddenly the lady is reaching out and touching my hair and I squint my eyes and smile at her. "OH I WISH I HAD SUCH CUTE HAIR" she shouted in my face. "Well, we always want what we can't have so we better make the best of what we do have right?" I said. She just looked at me.

Then I quickly turned my head to see who just nudged me rudely and sloppily from behind and there stood this "voluptuous" woman who had made herself quite noticeable earlier on the dance floor by her "sexy/neauseating" movements. She stood looking up at me and said some senseless BS to which I could come up with nothing to say. Then she said "once you break the seal! There's not stopping it". I started gagging immediately and looked the other way and thank GOD it was finally my turn to use the ladies room!!!!

drive-thru banking

The other day as I peeled into my banks parking lot I noticed the lot was full of cars (due to the chaos of a recent merger and buyout of the local chain) and the drive-thru only had about 5 cars in it. Obvious choice was the drive-thru where I could at least chill to my tunes instead of standing in a long line under Kenny G musak.

A little over a half an hour later it's my turn at the drive-up window. I wait....and wait...then start yelling silly things at the speaker because the bank was flooded inside and all of the employees had their backs to the window. I wait...., then I screamed jokingly at the top of my lungs "I'm getting very ANGRY out here...hahahaha!!!" - to which a lady inside turned abruptly around and leaned over to the microphone, clicked her little button and informed me "Ma-am, we are VERY busy helping other customers, we are doing the best we can and would appreciate your patience".

I started laughing really hard while rolling up all of my windows as if that would shield me somehow from their stares inside. How embarrassing...

dropkicking words

I had all the words bundled up in my arms but I just dropped them, and I don't have the energy to gather them up again. Don't care to do much else but wait for the words you will offer me. Thats where my happiness lay. It isn't supposed to be this way.

It's always late at night ... when I'm moments from running away. I made a mistake when I inked my fathers name on my back....where one could only see it as I depart. I had put it there to remind myself who I am....and who not to be. I guess that ink didn't seep into my bloodstream because it's still my father's untainted blood running through my veins ... which I can do nothing about in the end.

I'd like to meet him now to see if he's learned from his mistakes. All I need is a handful of minutes. I don't even want to sit down - we can just stand in the doorway. ... I know I won't care what he says because nothing will help me now. I should go and look for those words and kick them deep in the corners ... out of sight.

gone

when I woke up this morning my little belly was empty. all those little birds flew away without me. empty. don't want to put anything in there to replace them either. no appetite. can't eat.