I haven't even picked up my camera since my Southern trip two months ago. I miss it. I never had a moment to absorb it when I returned, everything immediately went dull. We went directly to a party and I wore my dark sunglasses to hide my eyes, there were no words for my friends, just a big fake smile. I never pick my phone up when it rings anymore. I'm a loner these days and I'm trying to teach myself to accept it and not feel guilt over it.
I'm born to travel and roam. I become irritable if stationary too long. I grumble at strangers. But they deserve it the bastards. Yesterday I walked up to a stranger's car, leaned over, smiled, and thanked him for backing his town car containing his miserable lazy ass 4 feet out of my way so I could park on the crowded street. It took a bit of back and forth before he finally started his car, let out a dramatically loud sigh, and reversed. His window was open when I thanked him and he simply glanced up at me, sneered and then looked back down at whatever he was reading without a sound. I almost punched a huge bush as I walked up to my house. I wanted to destroy him.
I left part of myself in this photo and now I only know dullness. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and when I look out my windows at the sprawling 7 hills of light and water all I see is pavement, phone lines, and cement clutter and it suffocates. I miss empty backend roads with run down diners and curious porch dwellers. I miss getting out of the car and stretching my limbs in the heavy heat, barely clothed. I found out I'm free to roam in just one more month. We will take a road trip to the South West I think. Meanwhile in October I will continue my hibernation with Birdie.
When I see this picture now I wish you would have climbed back in the car and drove away, leaving me there to open my eyes, this is what I would have liked you to see in your rear view mirror even though they say you should never look back. I would have broken into the abandoned house I was photographing, crawled into a ball on the floor, laughed, cried and then whispered something like ... "....the horror...."
3 comments:
sad & so beautiful.
I want to give you a hug!
I love to travel too. I think it came from moving around so much when I was little...we never stayed in one place too long.
And don't feel bad. i'm a complete loner and I don't have a problem with it but other people don't like me being that way. I'll go to movies alone...I'll stay home alone...I'll even go on vacation alone and I don't care.
t - this is normal talk for me, high's and low's, and when I'm low it's inspiration just building up.
l - I love going to the movies alone, but I've never traveled alone, the thought makes me lonely.
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