It's all going away...empty mind. Tomorrow evening we're having a goodbye get together at my favorits 85 year old bar in the italian district. We will sit in the back corner booth for 9 hours. I invited over 60 people.
I try to make myself cry so I won't cry tomorrow and cause a scene. When I see friends get teary eyed I just look away lately...it makes me hyper for some childish reason to watch their eyes redden. I just giggle becasue that's the way I cope: avoidance.
The best I've got so far is that the far sides of my eyes hold a small tear, otherwise from the eyes down, I am numb.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
all is quiet
I am slowly watching strangers come into my home and cart off my posessions. They leave me a small stack of bills in their place, and the comfort that affords is fleeting and empty...like our apartment.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
In a last minute panick I grab my digital camera and snap a few "environmental portraits" of the furniture pieces, computer equipment, or what have you...before they are carried out of my front door.
A melancholy has settled over me in the past few days. All is quiet in my mind. Of course its the first time since I can remember - that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but here.
Friday, March 03, 2006
final countdown
It's almost time to go. The countdown has begun. 27 days. Every weekend booked with visitors until we leave. Friends flying in from out of state, relatives flying in from out of the country. Days packed with work and social outings.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Stood on the 36th floor of a building overlooking the bay at the end of Market Street today and the thunder clouds were heavy and grey, the carrier vessles sitting quietly in the water beyond the grey Bay Bridge. What a view, the bustle of the city below, cars twisting down the veiny highways criss-crossing through the city.
It's starting to hurt a little bit, for the first time since we bought the house, I feel tears brewing deep within. Driving our car out of the city, over one of the landmark bridges is going to rip my heart out and leave it dangling before my eyes. Maybe I'll have the strength to break off a piece and toss it into the bay, therefore always leaving a part of me here.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
south lake
Last weekend a pair of friends took Hubby and I and two other friends to South Lake Tahoe where they had rented a cabin for us all for the weekend.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
We woke at 4:30am Friday and caravaned directly to the snowy slopes where I snowboarded the entire day straight.
I decided to not be as cautious as usual and went down the slopes with a fervor...first time down I hit a tree, then another time I hit the sign telling those departing the lift to keep moving out of the way. Lastly I hit a piece of bamboo meant to mark the boundary as to where you should stand out of the way...that one took me down and tangled me within myself and Hubby had to drag my knotted body along the snow out of the way of others as I was laughing way too hard to move myself.
We spent the following two days in a quiet langor and were rowdy and boisterous in the evenings, playing drinking games and card games until the wee hours of the night. Sigh.
Gambled a bit while sipping free shitty cocktails: my Cosmo's were a koolaid red and my gin and tonics were flat. We did a breakfast buffet and then headed home late in the afternoon Sunday. Hubby and I played 3 rounds each of 20 questions to pass the time spent in our car in the snowstrom where we managed to drive 5 miles the first hour, and 25 miles the second hour. 6 hours to do a 3 hour drive.
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