my life SUCKS

happy new year everybody

wow

valium
nice +
numb

dream snippit

I walked the steep winding streets in my dreams last night. Once again I was able to keep all of the screenless windows wide open all around the home I inhabited temporarily in the night so that the softest curtains billowed out in the wind. When I first walked in there was a place set out for me at a grand table with vases of flowers piled all around and happy faces started appearing as I was seated in the brightly lit place.

what will it be like to step back into that life I hurriedly drove out of 8 months ago without looking back even once? In 2 weeks I leave for a one month vacation to the city by the bay.

the scarlet ibis

My closest brother gifted me my favorite "children's" book this day and it felt like the sky parted and sent a bolt of light directly through my eyes and ears when I gazed upon the beautiful cover.

I have sought out this book for years online and in book stores ranging from the most obscure to the largest chains all to no avail. I waited as long as I could through the bustle of the holiday to find a few spare quiet moments with which to curl up alone with my book as it has been long over a decade since my eyes gazed upon those words. Honestly by now all I truly recalled was it leaving me drenched in my own tears upon its close. That and a vision of a bent scarlet ibis - an image which has stayed strong in my heart leaving me immediately reduced to tears when I travel the humid southern summer roads and spot one far off by the waters edge.

I curled up on the cold crisp blankets in our guest bedroom and the dim little antique bedside lamp illuminated the creamy pages. Upon hearing the familiar names the book washed over me and my eyes watered halfway through page one. After the second page I was already throwing the book to the side and grabbing my face almost as if to try to hold a leaking damn back from bursting forth. By the end it took me five minutes to read the last page and a hallf...and at the last word I shut my eyes as tight as possible and felt for the light switch to shut myself in darkness as I curled up into a little ball.

to get my mind off things

the upside of this BS is a restlessness inside of me over the past few days which has paired harmoniously with perfect photography weather which best suits my personal aesthetic.

I've been driving around like a "car thief" (which I do anyway - but now it's tenfold) leaning over my steering wheel and gazing high into the sky while I speed down the thruways and highways in search of desolate sounding towns on the green shiny signs I whizz by. I let my instincts fully guide me when I do this and before I knew it I was out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields of farms and forest and tattered barnyards and ancient houses. The roads were so desolate that some weren't fully paved and I was able to crawl along in my car at a mere 5 mph with no humans or vehicles in sight for 10 minutes or more at a time.

I was in awe of the beautiful world, how we can go only moments off of our beaten ritualistic daily paths and discover foreign worlds which were always just under our noses. Sometimes I just rolled to a stop and clicked on my hazards and sat with my face resting on the wheel while smiling so intensely that tears welled up in my eyes as they gazed at the winter sun shooting rays of warm light over the dusty horizon.

Other times I'd be racing by and screech to a halt as something off in a forest had caught my eye, then I'd peel out in the dirt by the side of the road as I'd back up while unfastening my belt-seat at the same time. Then I'd flick on the hazards, grab my camera and run out into the woods, or out into a front yard, or to a street corner and start finding my place to be. Every time I did this I forgot my jacket out of excitement so after 20 minutes of standing in 30 degree weather without gloves, a scarf, and a jacket, my nose started hardening and my fingers started jamming stiff, so I was forced back to the warmth of my car.

I found a horse on a farm which I fell in love with, I stopped and stared at him for quite some time, talking happily to him as I love to do, then becoming so overwhelmingly sad for him as he stood there in the cold with his beautiful brown eyes. How I would have liked to free him, gallop away on him. I drove so slowly away and kept looking back until he was just a small black silhouette against the barn and my eyes watered.

I miss him, my new friend.

anxiety anxiety anxiety

I have a twisting knot in my belly I cannot shake since last Sunday morning, and now a small shower of paranoia rains over my head and it tightens my throat.

This sort of drama never used to happen to me in SF and it makes me wonder if people are just more sophisticated in larger metropolitan cities? ...yes I am sure they are to an extent.

Saturday evening I was at a party where the host couldn't keep his words to himself and began saying highly inappropriate things he wanted to do to me while my husband and his wife stood about two feet away, and I PRAY that she did not hear him, I PRAY! Although the anxiety settles in deeper this day because she is someone I see once a week through a mutual friend, tonight being that ritualistic night. Just now she was very cold in her interaction in an email with me and said she is unsure if she will be attending this evening, yet states no reason which is unlike her.

That's where the paranoia and catch 22 come into play. Do I bring it up? No, because if she didn't hear him leaning on me and saying those things or hear me whispering to him to shut up while shoving him away, then I certainly don't want to expose the situation to her. However, directly after this she kicked everyone out of the party who wasn't staying the night yet who still lingered there...within seconds of it.

Ugh, I feel nauseous over this and it's culminating today, almost to the extent that I want to flake tonight myself. To top it all off I've become used to having to listen to her sadly discuss how her man isn't very attracted to her anymore due to his partying lifestyle which leaves him worn out and tired at the end of the day. So this leaves me feeling an even larger burden because it makes me sad to see that her reasonings for it are all incorrect.

Anyway, I feel wrong discussing it at all, but I have to vent. I wish I weren't so sensitive to others, but this whole situation makes me want to cry ....for her...and I hardly even know her.

What to do...what to do...it's not even my fucking fault but I feel so crappy over it.

how is it

that winter woo's me so much now,
when it used to woe me almost to the brink of death?

these days

nothing feels important enough to say.
yet everyone takes my smallest words
and runs away with them.
they keep them held close
never giving me the chance
to have them back.

...and they are not bad,
however they are given undue weight.

and then here I am
forgetting and dropping all the words
as soon as they are given to me.

is this the yin and the yang?
if I start to care deeply for what strangers say
will they in turn become deaf towards me?

into the woods

...Like a fluttering pixie I have been. Being in nature again cracked open a layer of flesh so that my soul could experience the sweet scent of the fallen leaves and crisp fall air. I don't need love when I have my camera and the world to roam. Nature will never leave me, it only waits quietly with open arms for my return. This week I ran into them like a lost child to the bosom of its mother...and how precious was her embrace! Now I sit indoors gazing every few moments out my window waiting for the light and sky to entice me. Every moment it has, I grab my camera bag and run to the roads to see what obscure place they will next lead me.