gabrielle

I shot this earlier today...having no idea I would turn into her within a few hours while sitting alone in that darkened theater. Watching the dark ancient scenes mingled with the French voices. I recall not long ago watching the preview of this film and feeling uneasy in my seat as Hubby leaned and whispered to me "she is you, that is you".

He was so right. And at one point she uttered something I have found myself telling only my most intimate of friends as of late. I was paralyzed in my seat from then on. And upon leavng the theater I drove directly home rather than the current engagement to which I am expectd at in 7 minutes time.

I cannot walk out of a film like that and into the bustle of others pointless banter...I needed some time alone first in my sanctuary to digest it. I came home and slipped out of my sandals to feel my bare feet along the warm wooden floorboards of my house, walking between rooms in the darkness of blue. I am coated in a dark blue light all day...as Gabrielle is in the film. Her pale white freckeld skin and dark red hair. She is me. I am her.

When I was s little girl I named myself Gabrielle for a while. People would tell me that it was such a grown up name for such a little girl. I smile at those words now. I didn't understand what they meant, because I did not undertsand that it would take years before I grew into her. How ironic life is...and I don't even want to be her anymore...not for an instant.

no diving?

Oh is that right? Because it's too late I already did. And now you push me out to sea.
So many words to spill but instead I'll keep them and wrap them around my shoulders to build up my armor which I so badly need at this moment ... to protect the fragile one within whom you exposed ... but why'd you even bother ... if only to vanish.
9.2.06

leave me behind next time

it hurts watching beautiful moments + things fade away into the untouchable distance

you stupid girl

.1. it hurts


.2. however the mind gathers strength


.3. to lift her head and open her eyes


He spun you right round. All day my head repeats my title. You have no one to blame but yourself. You've been spun up into a knotted ball. Now gather the strength to spread yourself out into a neat little line.

[this was actually written Sunday (8.27.06) at 2:58 pm with photos taken Saturday (8.26.06) at around the same hour]

swinger

The first day this whole summer that I wore close-toed shoes and my wool winter jacket. But I got to swing in the rain with my entire extended family, and in my book not much beats that!!!!!

overboard

Yesterday we ventured out on the little boat and rode along the coastline of the long lake.
I shared less than a handful of words.
While cruising along I let my legs dangle off of the back side of the boat.
At one point, in the distance, I noticed an older boy swaying on a rocking chair out at the end of his dock, just lazily rocking back and forth while reading a book.
The landscape and cottage behind him was so sleepy and southern in appearance.
I quickly glanced back and around our crowded heavy little boat to all of the high-pitched conversations and thought to myself that it quite possibly would take some time before any of them noticed if I quietly slipped into the water and swam over to that sleepy setting and hid away for the rest of my summer days.
Yes I truly did contemplate this...quite heavily in fact - for a few minutes...until the pituresque image started fading away into a tiny unidentifiable speck... until finally it was too late. Even then I could never seem to take my eyes off of that spot, and therefore I kept looking back against my will. I could not push the thought out of my head about what I'd say - or how I'd explain myself while swimming up to him unaware.

hmmmm

one day in their presence - and granted it's great - they love me blindly...no matter what crazy thought I throw out there it's caught in their net and hugs are thrown back at me...but...why is it - the more I DON'T want to be loved....the more I feel I AM actually loved???

I just sit in the back seat these past 2 days and as pops was a Brigade Commander in the Swedish Military - he lets me talk of the civil war and only then do my eyes light up...but aside from that my thoughts stray to the blue forbidden land...

I can't recall the words...
or the feeling it instilled in me...
some utter reassuring silence
that I walk alone, no hand in mine, yet with me that's fine.

Who doens't truly walk alone?
All of you who think you feel momentarily utterly fulfilled...
...are you really though?

Or do you, like me - know that this world is one, and you are only one, not one part of it's mass,
and that's why it hurts so uncontrollably...the day to day.

My knees fall down heavily on the stairs...when I try to climb away from it all...away from all of you.
To curl in a ball alone in some darkened obscure corner in the galaxies. Up and away...

The scenes ripped open my belly, and ripped the flesh over the chest..so that the heart is exposed, how would this not reduce one to tears? I'm sure you must understand! One other soul MUST understand. Yet, none do I am certain, for none of you are truly on my train, some of you are quiet voyeurs, but only that.

.sigh.
this raw realization will soon fade, as it always does...and I will conform back to the temporary lulling numbness of the blind sheeps ways which I fear I have fallen victim to, and silently succumbed to over the past many, many years.

however, inside the bud is still vitally alive and full of a life many of you may never know...

...and now silence engulfs my mind, and so I will part ways this night...part away from this - the emptiest world ever known to man.

stars + mars

I promised I would look at the stars this night

moody

Today is actually the 18th...I like mixing these up. A week ago I posted an entry that I shouldn't have. It remained up here only for the duration of my 5-6 hour sleeping bout. Last night I couldn't close my eyes until 5....and I slept like hell only to awake grumpy and paranoid that I had posted all of the thoughts that had been trailing through my mind last night keeping me awake in the pitch black darkness.

I am becoming miserably depressed...it was I who said reassuringly that the days would get better and easier with time, yet it is I who am self-destructing as each one wares onwards. The other one worried about it being hard, yet he is having it much easier than I.

How does this happen to one? I mean HOW the fuck did I let this happen to myself? In any case I can't really tolerate the mental game of it all much longer...it's making me insane.

And my poor inlaws...my introverted behavior as of late is making them paranoid that we need a break from them already. I am not myself lately, and being forced to inhabit close quarters with others for hours on end as of late is ALSO taking it's toll on me. It makes me feel so bad...it's just that usually there is a beaming light in my eyes, usually I'm falling all over in giggle fits, and sitting at the edge of my chair telling elaborate stories while wildy gesticulating.....usually I'm so ALIVE....and all they met here on this tirp so far is a little forlorn zombie who only lit up when she talked about CW, or when each night they watch CW movies with her to her TOTAL shock and happiness (really though - how cool is that - every night pops says "and now Lorena...a civil war movie we will watch") teehee...ok THAT made me smile just now...it's the first smile of the day...perhaps I'll leave on that more positive note instead of burying my head back in the darkness.

sigh...and I had SO much more to say....and vent - but perhaps later when the mother-in-law is not coming in here every 5 seconds and reading whatever I write over my shoulder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I totally see where he gets it from!

occupado

.you occupy the shell...so you had better enjoy it...













...for it's the only thing you'll ever truly own in this life.

the south...

is still where it's at for me. I was looking at some of the photos on some stranger's page of the southern landscape...and a melancholy ensued in my head. this will be a quiet day.

in my dream last night I went back to California and realized I was better suited there however I knew that coming to the east coast was part of the process. I leaned out of a big open window in my new home there...no screens because there were no bugs. but the sun never came up.

still I am arrested by the leftover trails of knowledge that this dream somehow imparted upon me. can't make sense of it and it's troubling me.

I am at a complete standstill. I'm going to walk up to the sun and place out my hands. bye now.

the words come later I told her

this is where we spent our minutes yesterday. we climbed those stone stairs that wove around the bending and descending water.
.everyone has their place.
.to be.
I found ours and it was agreed upon immediately.
we slowly tiptoed along slippery wet rocks to the shade and partially undressed before placing our bodies in the shallow pool near the sound of the accordion player.

there we sat as the warm and forceful water pushed against our arms for the next hour. my face was wide and bright. I held my knees tightly in my arms and rested my face upon them as I watched the water ball up and fall away in the distance. she sat across from me and we shot eachother silent smiles. soon 8 children came and played within our space. they shared the constant smile with us. it makes my eyes water to recall it now. after some time they left and all turned repeatedly to wave again and again and again. they could not seem to stop looking back. strangers mean something sometimes... to them I am grateful.

she is gone 5 hours now. on a train headed south, my eternally favorite direction...some day I will wrap that word permanently around this body. "how romantic..." I said as I let her out of my arms at the station earlier this day "...the train and the american landscape."

mine eyes hurt at the edges now. I went and lay on her bed and fell asleep just now. like last night as we lay still in the darkness on our backs talking. only to wake to a new day 5 hours later. I had wanted to sleep next to her the whole duration because I do not like where I lay at night as of late. I want my own room. my own space. my own skin. my own air. my own tears.

I am suffocating this way. always watching over me. tending to me. at my feet. over my shoulder. hands all over me that I constantly push away. god help me. on the sunday boat your voice followed me - telling me constantly to be careful, at one point I kneeled on the slippery bow of the boat and growled before your words sent me plunging over the side to the deepest depths of the darkness to let out my screams.