quickness

it all went by so fast
all I could see were blurred lines
now it slows
I catch my breath
and focus my eyes
and see it for the very first time

it was one month ago now - since this little baby underwent surgery
and I thank the powers that be - every moment - that he is still here

right now

love is this fragile little hollow glass ball
that I can only touch and carry with my fingertips
never fully grasping it in the palm of my hand...

where I need it most.

summer

I want to glue the summer days to my skin
so to carry them with me everywhere
for the rest of my days.

it's spring and the animal within me is pulled out of it's dormant slumber,
watching as the green flesh bursts forth from the tips of bark limbed winter beasts...
making me momentarily insane.

all I want to do is sink my teeth softly into flesh and slowly devour all of the beauty.

her vision of the world begins to blur

this is the web coating my vision, a black vein-like substance.

lately the world is much brighter when my eyes are closed.



every time I open them a grey ribbon seeps into my body,
and wraps itself around my soul...constricting it.



and I ask myself: why then, should I bother to open them at all?

try to not

hold onto moments in time.
let them slip gracefully through your fingers
as you walk forward.

maybe if you're lucky
a breeze will come along and gently lift them back up
to swirl languidly before your eyes one last time.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often
not the lie - deliberate, contrived and
dishonest - but the myth, persistent,
persuasive and unrealistic".

- John F. Kennedy

overwhelming

melancholy
posseses me
now
for days

ask yourself every day

am I making a mistake?

[and if you peel the multi-faceted layers of your existence back, you're bound to find at least one or two]

the ring

i slipped it off of my finger and placed it in a zipper compartment of my purse saturday night.
it was the third time maybe that a friend mentioned the fact that perhaps it should no longer be worn.
I expressed its lack of meaning and admiration soley of it's aesthetic curvature.
the heads shook that it didn't matter.
take it off.
then they made me glance to see that his was no longer worn on his hand,
and that's when I gazed down and removed it.
i have to admit it produced a small pang of sadness +guilt in my side, that my actions or lack of love directly affected such a sweet soul. life isn't fair.
the rituals humans have created, ridiculous.
why can't i wear a fucking ring if I love it? why are you all such conformists? who runs your mind? and look at me the hypocrite, pressured to do something I don't want to do, however my stance is such that i'm sick of nagging complainers and sometimes it's the only way to shut them up in the end!!!

does a place exist where one can just be themselves? raw and untouched by society? if so, point me in that direction and let me the fuck go!

caffeine-induced randomness

i drank much too much coffee this day.
couple that with the grey sky and muted snow
and a mind that treads repeatedly over past days conversations with strangers
and my conclusion is that i'm manic.
half about to explode with excitement at all the potential newness of my unknown future,
half wanting to crawl beneath soil at the undaunting weight on my shoulders
over all I have to do to prepare to close this chapter once and for all.
it never gets any easier, only more difficult and drawn out.
i'm ready to be a renter again, take away some of the stress.
i never wanted to be an adult anyway,
so screw the harsh judgements I may receive when I depart this cookie-cutter suburban way of life where I am an outsider.

sometimes it is good to tread foreign paths
if only to further solidify your solidarity in the end.
i'm a free spirit and meant to roam.
never be tied down to a location, a house, an object.
a series of tests is all.
enjoy the ride.

happy birthday

little baby...wherever you are now

gaetano

A littl blue-grey tin box decorated with violets, and a death certificate were placed on my lap as I wait in the car outside the pet hospital this day. I couldn't go in that building because it's the last place I looked into his eyes. When I got home I placed the box on the little scratcher he used to love to lay on. It sits empty in the hallway now and every once in a while I pass by and swear I see the mass of him laying there. Where else should I be expected to place his ashes knowing full well that was his favorite place to be?

finally...

a bit of sunlight shrouds the land this day.

it's getting to me

and it's staining my eyes
affecting all that I see.

it wrapped around my skull pushing bleak imagery
into my subconcious ... haunting my nights.

then it slides down and coats my throat
forcing bitter words to the tip of my tongue.

then it seized my heart
froze and shattered it.

I'm that...

...slanted fallen tree.

Not flattened out
along the earth entirely,
but may as well be.

it feels dizziness...

...my body does.
they sliced your precious white little belly
with a scalpel
to suck out all of the sickness
that seeped into you
but it wasn't enough.



R.I.P.
Gaetano "Ali" Z
3.15.99 - 02.23.07

All I want to do is take you in my arms,
wrap you in your warm blue fleece blanket once more...
and walk into the Atlantic ocean with you.
Walk along the ocean floor and take you back to our mother land...
bell' Italia.

Place you on the warm earth and give you one last kiss on your forehead.
You're home now baby.

Ti voglio bene per sempre il mio gattino bellissimo..il piu bellissimo nel mondo!!!

I'm paralyzed

I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed
I'm paralyzed

3 days after..

An all consuming loneliness prevails
this house feels of death in every corner.
His heavy sighs are bricks placed over my feet,
so that I am unable to move or walk away to safety.

I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.

.smash.

Ever feel utterly lonely and alone while in someone's presence? That's how I feel in this hell hole this day. I want to tear off my skin and toss it out onto the snow so as to cool off. I imagine the house and all of its belongings going up in flames. Don't even know if I'd care to walk out the door while it burns, perhaps I'd just walk quietly down the basement stairs, open the old wooden doors and start digging into the dirt floor.

And the one I need is too far out of reach and missing yet again...how does this all work? All seems broken this greyish damned day. Would love sto sleep until Friday folds over my still body.

one of these days

I will be pushed over the brink.
how much should one person take?
I see a little fox laid out on its side in the snow
in the forest where all is quiet.

happy 72nd birthday

This brings to mind one of my favorite B movies Bubba Hotep. If you are an Elvis fan you should check it out:

"We find the King as an elderly resident in an East Texas rest home, who switched identities with an Elvis impersonator years before his “death”, then missed his chance to switch back. Elvis teams up with Jack, a fellow nursing home resident who thinks that he is actually President John F. Kennedy, and the two valiant old codgers sally forth to battle an evil Egyptian entity who has chosen their long-term care facility as his happy hunting grounds… "

fire + water

I feel fire burning my throat as I drown.
I woke up miserably depressed this day
despite the shining sun and clear blue sky.

Last night I leafed through thousands of pictures of one of our many trips together so that I might send them to the other. How wrong it felt to scroll past your happy face, all of the happy moments, that smile in your eyes that I was solely responsible for. While I conversed with the other you sat only yards away and out of the silence you asked if I told my mother why you were incited to a personal rage resulting in injuring your hand the other day. I stiffened and my fingers fell back slowly from the keyboard. "No ...simply because I don't recall at what particular moment you did so". Then we both sat motionless and quiet and some unspoken understanding was building within until it was cemented by you uttering his name.

Hours later as we climbed into bed I asked why that question had risen so randomly, although I knew it was meant to illustrate my insensitive actions at continuing that correspondence right in front of you as if nothing ever happened. Your lighthearted mood grew heavy suddenly as you turned your back to me to conceal your pain. You then reached out and turned off the bedside lamp which coated us in darkness where we both fell into separate dreams.

In mine you were always there with me, following as some invisible presence watching me go from scene to scene, mistake to mistake until finally before I awoke I lay in some young mans arms. He was broken and I tried to touch him in the hopes of healing him but there was only an empty void filming our skin so that although pressed flesh to flesh we always had a thin layer separating us. My observance of that layer made me speak to you in my mind and ask for your permission to peel it off of us but you quietly placed words in my mind that gave me the understanding that I fabricated that layer with my burden of guilt for my actions and that I will carry you forever with me in this fashion.

Then I awoke to the blue sky and sunny warm wooded house. I sauntered over to the couch and you walked by stating that it was a shame that you wouldn't be living here anymore by the time you got your license you had so patiently waited these past 9 months for. As you walked up the stairs away from me I lay on my back and tears poured instantly from my eyes. Now you are out at a store and I am finally alone to cry as loud and as long as I wish. Maybe that layer coating me symbolized the constant flow of tears produced by my making you walk out of my life. Perhaps subconciously they would envelope me for the rest of my days therefore never allowing me to be close to anyone again? Perhaps it explains this drowning sensation since I awoke as well...