insanity and early darkness

how strange to fall apart in this way.
darkness coats the land and it's not far after 5pm.
I finally snapped and fell apart early Sunday morning,
and as I feared the particles dispersed.
I am just a shell.
not so much alive.

what kind of stupid test or lesson is this supposed to be for me!?
it's so easy for everyone to give me advice but it's the same bullshit advice I used to give having never been in my current situation. you have no fucking idea how it feels until it happens to you. it's so easy to judge when you're on the other side. I fear I've become that very thing in this world which I most despise...my father.

mumbo jumbo

This constant grey rainy weather amongst other things stifles me. And now my burden is transferring to others. I dissolve smiles away from their faces for the first 5 minutes of being in my presence and upon realizing this I whip out whatever few strands of strength I might muster up to paste a smile upon my face. Then I instruct them to just ignore me.

Then I shift into auto-pilot and my soul backs out of my eyes and gets sucked down inside within my gut to darkness where it hibernates amongst the muffled sounds of chatter and forced laughter. But the body stays stoically still for which the soul is thankful. It is fragile and could never survive being jostled about. Come to think of it it's grateful for these forced temporary moments of resignation. Although it doesn't heal it in any way, it protects it from further destruction and death by the sheer numbing effect of the darkness in now resides within.

ashes

I feel as though I'm going to turn into ashes at any given moment and be blown away and dispersed. And as I realized this to myself I recalled my Momma-San telling me this day that I'm playing with fire. Then she asked me if I knew what happened to those whom play with fire. I deadpanned my response in the most monotonous tone.

When I pressed the off button on the receiver I just lay there and let the tears spill for some small while. Then suddenly out of nowhere a G-force of pressure plowed me straight through my bed and through the floorboards down to the basement. I lay there in the rubble for a while longer then went and slipped into the shower to wash off all of the dust.

When I stepped out I thought I was coated still in some burnt out ash and when I was beckoned to step outside into the crisp chill day I lunged back away from the door for fear of being carried away. I slid along the wall and moved quickly to the core of the house and stood there very still while looking down at my feet. I think I'm going a little bit crazy. Sometimes it makes me giggle and then other times it just makes me cry.

I am neither here nor there

I'm dying

Given the hatred and wrong my childhood has bestowed upon me
I was given the strength to hurt only those who posess evil throughout my life.

However I was never bestowed the strength to inflict pain or harm upon those who have only given me love and kindness.

This is my dilemna, my crossroads.

I am a Lars Von Trier heroine in the sense than I'd rather die than hurt another.

As my days close that seems more and more the only answer I can accept gratiously.

everything slants away

even the words slant away
from my mouth
to other parts of a page.

away I will run

my brow furrows
and mine eyes dampen with tears
at any and every given moment.

I wish to take all of my belongings
and make a huge pile in the yard beneath moonlight
then light it all afire.

reality wanes before me
nothing concrete to grasp
pretty soon I'll be pushed to do that which I do best...


----------------------


I had to hide this post down here. The ex who broke my heart and taught me to open my eyes sent me this pic of himself this day. I cropped out his face to give him anonymity. It makes me laugh, makes me realize how stupid and blind I was. Who sends a picture of themselves in a bathing suit to their ex...is it a poor attempt to make me miss him or what I gave up? Then again he wanted me to send him pictures of myself in much less. Such a shallow man. I don't know what it is but I start laughing every time I look at this.

And that stupid tattoo. He went and got that less than a few days after I told him tattoo's were sexy as hell. He came over in the winter in a white tank top and sat at the edge of my bed posing and flexing his triceps nonchalantly until I noticed. "What the hell is that!?" I think I finally said and walked over to inspect it and then started laughing. That pissed him off and we had a huge fight. It was by far the cheapest crappiest tat I had ever seen, the arm band didn't even line up to itself beneath his arm. He said he looked in the yellow pages and picked a shop and went in and had it done. I'm convinced he was probably such a pompous dick to the tatter that the crap-job was done on purpose. Anyway...it's funny what memories looking at a picture of a familiar object can bring back to you. I know that's harsh to call him an object...but I make no apologies for it, he objectifies himself...!

[11.09.06]

my hands are still so cold

I have the tiniest tremors...so I tremble.
Piano Concerto No. 2 - Adagio Sostenuto ... in my headphones blare...
I went to the theater alone this night again
and cried.

On the way home I rolled all of the windows down so I could feel the cold night air
whipping through the crevices.

The moonlight bright.

I stopped and sat at a green light, not knowing it. When it was about to turn red I drove....on the overpass.
I cupped my hand over my mouth and giggled and the wind crept by and took it away.
Silence.
I turned my head to see where it would go and seeing only blue light coat the darkened earth I glanced quickly at my rearview.
A red light flashed behind me.

I don't belong to this place. A car quickly approached me around the bend in front. I gripped the wheel tightly with my frozen hands. "Are you always prepared for the moment to end?" I asked myself outloud in a whipser? Then my eyes met mine in the rearview and I nodded with a smile "yes!"

For what if that car swerved onto me - how sad for the soul to be lost and confused alone on that dark cold road? Would I try to walk home to my front door? I left the light on for myself to find the way before I departed this night. I never do that.

The piano is piercing my ears right now! Splendid life!

He just placed a hot cup of my favorite tea and a small slice of toast with cheese and orange marmalade by my side here as I write. I requested silence immediately when he greeted me at the door just now. "Silence please?" I whispered with my finger in front of my smiling mouth.

Some small words crowd at my mouth begging for release...but no.....no....no...I tell them gently before swallowing them. You must stay with me always - my words are only for me as no one understands - only I do. When I was a little girl I was told by an old soul that I had a silent power...it's only over time that I allowed others to infulence my way by allowing the dilution of meaning with excessive words escaping the lips.

The season of thieves is upon me - the cold steals everything, takes all of my words and runs too fast ahead of me so that I can NEVER catch up! And that is when I unpack my camera and try again to find my voice in the deadened landscape. Allowing it to consume and digest me. When it is done I am left with images in my hands that I carefully place on warm wooden tables in candlelight to view before sinking into a chair so that I may listen to their color and shapes.

If you cannot be happy alone with yourself - you can never truly be happy. I become estaticly happy when alone. That is why the days are so difficult for me, always having another by my side. And I laugh to think he was worried for me before we moved!!!!! ha HA! "But just what will you do with your days while I am so busy always?"

...It was a beautiful ending this film had. He crawled into her bed and there beside it was the gift he had given her. And the creation she made inspired partially by him. Then he fell asleep...if I could sleep right now I would.

I hate myself for this

All night he was in my dreams so when I awoke to a body pushed up against mine I thought it was his and smiled into my pillow with my eyes still closed...then when I realized it wasn't him I turned and slowly pressed my knees along his back to push his body away from mine and to the other side of the bed. I watched his still and quiet face a moment as he slept without the faintest glimmer of detecting this abrubt and cruel physical separation and my eyes watered. It was that precise moment when the deepest sadness settled in my skin which has coated me all the day.

[10.16.06 7:30pm]

this is what I see

rain falls on the quiet leaves
pushing the warmth out

I want

to die inside of you.

apples

there were apple orchards speeding by the car...ripe red circles dotted the landscape here and there. Imagined you picking them off the trees like you so wish to do in the fall. I savored the sight and chose to embed it in my heart rather than a digital image to place so coldly on a screen. After they ceased to be in my view I shot the less important landscape speeding by their back window. The sky was full of thick blue water waiting to spill out over us as we boarded the boat for the long journey home.

this sunday was better