my life SUCKS

happy new year everybody

wow

valium
nice +
numb

dream snippit

I walked the steep winding streets in my dreams last night. Once again I was able to keep all of the screenless windows wide open all around the home I inhabited temporarily in the night so that the softest curtains billowed out in the wind. When I first walked in there was a place set out for me at a grand table with vases of flowers piled all around and happy faces started appearing as I was seated in the brightly lit place.

what will it be like to step back into that life I hurriedly drove out of 8 months ago without looking back even once? In 2 weeks I leave for a one month vacation to the city by the bay.

the scarlet ibis

My closest brother gifted me my favorite "children's" book this day and it felt like the sky parted and sent a bolt of light directly through my eyes and ears when I gazed upon the beautiful cover.

I have sought out this book for years online and in book stores ranging from the most obscure to the largest chains all to no avail. I waited as long as I could through the bustle of the holiday to find a few spare quiet moments with which to curl up alone with my book as it has been long over a decade since my eyes gazed upon those words. Honestly by now all I truly recalled was it leaving me drenched in my own tears upon its close. That and a vision of a bent scarlet ibis - an image which has stayed strong in my heart leaving me immediately reduced to tears when I travel the humid southern summer roads and spot one far off by the waters edge.

I curled up on the cold crisp blankets in our guest bedroom and the dim little antique bedside lamp illuminated the creamy pages. Upon hearing the familiar names the book washed over me and my eyes watered halfway through page one. After the second page I was already throwing the book to the side and grabbing my face almost as if to try to hold a leaking damn back from bursting forth. By the end it took me five minutes to read the last page and a hallf...and at the last word I shut my eyes as tight as possible and felt for the light switch to shut myself in darkness as I curled up into a little ball.

to get my mind off things

the upside of this BS is a restlessness inside of me over the past few days which has paired harmoniously with perfect photography weather which best suits my personal aesthetic.

I've been driving around like a "car thief" (which I do anyway - but now it's tenfold) leaning over my steering wheel and gazing high into the sky while I speed down the thruways and highways in search of desolate sounding towns on the green shiny signs I whizz by. I let my instincts fully guide me when I do this and before I knew it I was out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields of farms and forest and tattered barnyards and ancient houses. The roads were so desolate that some weren't fully paved and I was able to crawl along in my car at a mere 5 mph with no humans or vehicles in sight for 10 minutes or more at a time.

I was in awe of the beautiful world, how we can go only moments off of our beaten ritualistic daily paths and discover foreign worlds which were always just under our noses. Sometimes I just rolled to a stop and clicked on my hazards and sat with my face resting on the wheel while smiling so intensely that tears welled up in my eyes as they gazed at the winter sun shooting rays of warm light over the dusty horizon.

Other times I'd be racing by and screech to a halt as something off in a forest had caught my eye, then I'd peel out in the dirt by the side of the road as I'd back up while unfastening my belt-seat at the same time. Then I'd flick on the hazards, grab my camera and run out into the woods, or out into a front yard, or to a street corner and start finding my place to be. Every time I did this I forgot my jacket out of excitement so after 20 minutes of standing in 30 degree weather without gloves, a scarf, and a jacket, my nose started hardening and my fingers started jamming stiff, so I was forced back to the warmth of my car.

I found a horse on a farm which I fell in love with, I stopped and stared at him for quite some time, talking happily to him as I love to do, then becoming so overwhelmingly sad for him as he stood there in the cold with his beautiful brown eyes. How I would have liked to free him, gallop away on him. I drove so slowly away and kept looking back until he was just a small black silhouette against the barn and my eyes watered.

I miss him, my new friend.

anxiety anxiety anxiety

I have a twisting knot in my belly I cannot shake since last Sunday morning, and now a small shower of paranoia rains over my head and it tightens my throat.

This sort of drama never used to happen to me in SF and it makes me wonder if people are just more sophisticated in larger metropolitan cities? ...yes I am sure they are to an extent.

Saturday evening I was at a party where the host couldn't keep his words to himself and began saying highly inappropriate things he wanted to do to me while my husband and his wife stood about two feet away, and I PRAY that she did not hear him, I PRAY! Although the anxiety settles in deeper this day because she is someone I see once a week through a mutual friend, tonight being that ritualistic night. Just now she was very cold in her interaction in an email with me and said she is unsure if she will be attending this evening, yet states no reason which is unlike her.

That's where the paranoia and catch 22 come into play. Do I bring it up? No, because if she didn't hear him leaning on me and saying those things or hear me whispering to him to shut up while shoving him away, then I certainly don't want to expose the situation to her. However, directly after this she kicked everyone out of the party who wasn't staying the night yet who still lingered there...within seconds of it.

Ugh, I feel nauseous over this and it's culminating today, almost to the extent that I want to flake tonight myself. To top it all off I've become used to having to listen to her sadly discuss how her man isn't very attracted to her anymore due to his partying lifestyle which leaves him worn out and tired at the end of the day. So this leaves me feeling an even larger burden because it makes me sad to see that her reasonings for it are all incorrect.

Anyway, I feel wrong discussing it at all, but I have to vent. I wish I weren't so sensitive to others, but this whole situation makes me want to cry ....for her...and I hardly even know her.

What to do...what to do...it's not even my fucking fault but I feel so crappy over it.

how is it

that winter woo's me so much now,
when it used to woe me almost to the brink of death?

these days

nothing feels important enough to say.
yet everyone takes my smallest words
and runs away with them.
they keep them held close
never giving me the chance
to have them back.

...and they are not bad,
however they are given undue weight.

and then here I am
forgetting and dropping all the words
as soon as they are given to me.

is this the yin and the yang?
if I start to care deeply for what strangers say
will they in turn become deaf towards me?

into the woods

...Like a fluttering pixie I have been. Being in nature again cracked open a layer of flesh so that my soul could experience the sweet scent of the fallen leaves and crisp fall air. I don't need love when I have my camera and the world to roam. Nature will never leave me, it only waits quietly with open arms for my return. This week I ran into them like a lost child to the bosom of its mother...and how precious was her embrace! Now I sit indoors gazing every few moments out my window waiting for the light and sky to entice me. Every moment it has, I grab my camera bag and run to the roads to see what obscure place they will next lead me.

3 new sounds to fill her empty ears

This Bright Eyes album is a collection of his rarities dating from 1998-2005...can't go wrong there right?

I'd like to introduce the newest members of my family to you all. I had to buy music this day to carry me through the next couple of weeks... I've been sick the past week and seeing as I am the type of person who can never quite be sitting or laying still - I spent the better part of yesterday cleaning off my HD and backing all of my music onto my external drive. Forcing yourself to paruse for hours through your music does nothing more than leave you longing for something new and fresh.

This little beauty, well I just love Chan and this is her latest album - which I was too far behind on purchasing in the first place....so yeah, long overdue.

This day the weather was unseasonably warm and pleasant so Hubbers and I made a day of being outside, flitting about the city restaurants, cafe's, and finally my favorite music store. A little dive shop tucked neatly away on one of my favorite avenues. Before I entered the shop I stoppped and clapped my hands and shouted that I couldn't wait to buy 3 new albums. I held 3 fingers high in the air in a way that is so childishly my own. Hubbers asked if I knew which 3 I was going to buy and I happily giggled "No, of course not!" and busted through the front door to begin my search.

If you're a Serge fan, this album is a gold mine compared to the "I (heart) SG" compilation tribute, and I LOVE that album.

I am sure I am not the only person who immediately upon entering a music shop, forgets all the names and titles of the music they have been desiring. Well I've trained myself to counteract this phenomenom, so I headed directly for the correct letters of the alphabet right off the bat....but of course none of my titles were in stock! In any case, I don't feel I made off too badly in the end.

brooks???

do you ever swing by this page anymore?
I was bummed when you took your page down sometime ago.
I was cleaning off my HD all day today and came across a folder of music you turned me onto and I was so thankful for your ecclectic taste in music.
I miss your blog - it was one of my favorites!

bender

you can only bend something
back and forth so much
before it snaps,
is what I always say.

he bent me a bit much this day...
and it's not so much that I snapped
rather than it was the realization that I'm
perhaps just a figment of his imagination
that means little in reality to him.

because actions are louder than words
i always have said as well.
if you truly care about someone
you don't push them out and away.
especially not after you've wrapped your loving words
securely around them for miles beforehand...
giving them a false sense of comfort which leads them towards you.
just for them to arrive and see that no one is home.

brando

Just cuz...I love this image. Winter comes and I curl up within the classics...just how I used to do. Julius Caesar is on his way next.

gym

I joined a local gym this day after voting.
I cannot wait to condition the limbs again.
I love feeling sore and spent and alive.
It gives me a rush to ache in that way.

insomnia

lay me out on cold stone
and press my knuckles white,
so that my eyes will close.

if I could cut out my tongue
and bury it beneath the house,
I think I would sleep better.
It seems my restless mind
currently rests at its tip.

insanity and early darkness

how strange to fall apart in this way.
darkness coats the land and it's not far after 5pm.
I finally snapped and fell apart early Sunday morning,
and as I feared the particles dispersed.
I am just a shell.
not so much alive.

what kind of stupid test or lesson is this supposed to be for me!?
it's so easy for everyone to give me advice but it's the same bullshit advice I used to give having never been in my current situation. you have no fucking idea how it feels until it happens to you. it's so easy to judge when you're on the other side. I fear I've become that very thing in this world which I most despise...my father.

mumbo jumbo

This constant grey rainy weather amongst other things stifles me. And now my burden is transferring to others. I dissolve smiles away from their faces for the first 5 minutes of being in my presence and upon realizing this I whip out whatever few strands of strength I might muster up to paste a smile upon my face. Then I instruct them to just ignore me.

Then I shift into auto-pilot and my soul backs out of my eyes and gets sucked down inside within my gut to darkness where it hibernates amongst the muffled sounds of chatter and forced laughter. But the body stays stoically still for which the soul is thankful. It is fragile and could never survive being jostled about. Come to think of it it's grateful for these forced temporary moments of resignation. Although it doesn't heal it in any way, it protects it from further destruction and death by the sheer numbing effect of the darkness in now resides within.

ashes

I feel as though I'm going to turn into ashes at any given moment and be blown away and dispersed. And as I realized this to myself I recalled my Momma-San telling me this day that I'm playing with fire. Then she asked me if I knew what happened to those whom play with fire. I deadpanned my response in the most monotonous tone.

When I pressed the off button on the receiver I just lay there and let the tears spill for some small while. Then suddenly out of nowhere a G-force of pressure plowed me straight through my bed and through the floorboards down to the basement. I lay there in the rubble for a while longer then went and slipped into the shower to wash off all of the dust.

When I stepped out I thought I was coated still in some burnt out ash and when I was beckoned to step outside into the crisp chill day I lunged back away from the door for fear of being carried away. I slid along the wall and moved quickly to the core of the house and stood there very still while looking down at my feet. I think I'm going a little bit crazy. Sometimes it makes me giggle and then other times it just makes me cry.

I am neither here nor there

I'm dying

Given the hatred and wrong my childhood has bestowed upon me
I was given the strength to hurt only those who posess evil throughout my life.

However I was never bestowed the strength to inflict pain or harm upon those who have only given me love and kindness.

This is my dilemna, my crossroads.

I am a Lars Von Trier heroine in the sense than I'd rather die than hurt another.

As my days close that seems more and more the only answer I can accept gratiously.

everything slants away

even the words slant away
from my mouth
to other parts of a page.

away I will run

my brow furrows
and mine eyes dampen with tears
at any and every given moment.

I wish to take all of my belongings
and make a huge pile in the yard beneath moonlight
then light it all afire.

reality wanes before me
nothing concrete to grasp
pretty soon I'll be pushed to do that which I do best...


----------------------


I had to hide this post down here. The ex who broke my heart and taught me to open my eyes sent me this pic of himself this day. I cropped out his face to give him anonymity. It makes me laugh, makes me realize how stupid and blind I was. Who sends a picture of themselves in a bathing suit to their ex...is it a poor attempt to make me miss him or what I gave up? Then again he wanted me to send him pictures of myself in much less. Such a shallow man. I don't know what it is but I start laughing every time I look at this.

And that stupid tattoo. He went and got that less than a few days after I told him tattoo's were sexy as hell. He came over in the winter in a white tank top and sat at the edge of my bed posing and flexing his triceps nonchalantly until I noticed. "What the hell is that!?" I think I finally said and walked over to inspect it and then started laughing. That pissed him off and we had a huge fight. It was by far the cheapest crappiest tat I had ever seen, the arm band didn't even line up to itself beneath his arm. He said he looked in the yellow pages and picked a shop and went in and had it done. I'm convinced he was probably such a pompous dick to the tatter that the crap-job was done on purpose. Anyway...it's funny what memories looking at a picture of a familiar object can bring back to you. I know that's harsh to call him an object...but I make no apologies for it, he objectifies himself...!

[11.09.06]

my hands are still so cold

I have the tiniest tremors...so I tremble.
Piano Concerto No. 2 - Adagio Sostenuto ... in my headphones blare...
I went to the theater alone this night again
and cried.

On the way home I rolled all of the windows down so I could feel the cold night air
whipping through the crevices.

The moonlight bright.

I stopped and sat at a green light, not knowing it. When it was about to turn red I drove....on the overpass.
I cupped my hand over my mouth and giggled and the wind crept by and took it away.
Silence.
I turned my head to see where it would go and seeing only blue light coat the darkened earth I glanced quickly at my rearview.
A red light flashed behind me.

I don't belong to this place. A car quickly approached me around the bend in front. I gripped the wheel tightly with my frozen hands. "Are you always prepared for the moment to end?" I asked myself outloud in a whipser? Then my eyes met mine in the rearview and I nodded with a smile "yes!"

For what if that car swerved onto me - how sad for the soul to be lost and confused alone on that dark cold road? Would I try to walk home to my front door? I left the light on for myself to find the way before I departed this night. I never do that.

The piano is piercing my ears right now! Splendid life!

He just placed a hot cup of my favorite tea and a small slice of toast with cheese and orange marmalade by my side here as I write. I requested silence immediately when he greeted me at the door just now. "Silence please?" I whispered with my finger in front of my smiling mouth.

Some small words crowd at my mouth begging for release...but no.....no....no...I tell them gently before swallowing them. You must stay with me always - my words are only for me as no one understands - only I do. When I was a little girl I was told by an old soul that I had a silent power...it's only over time that I allowed others to infulence my way by allowing the dilution of meaning with excessive words escaping the lips.

The season of thieves is upon me - the cold steals everything, takes all of my words and runs too fast ahead of me so that I can NEVER catch up! And that is when I unpack my camera and try again to find my voice in the deadened landscape. Allowing it to consume and digest me. When it is done I am left with images in my hands that I carefully place on warm wooden tables in candlelight to view before sinking into a chair so that I may listen to their color and shapes.

If you cannot be happy alone with yourself - you can never truly be happy. I become estaticly happy when alone. That is why the days are so difficult for me, always having another by my side. And I laugh to think he was worried for me before we moved!!!!! ha HA! "But just what will you do with your days while I am so busy always?"

...It was a beautiful ending this film had. He crawled into her bed and there beside it was the gift he had given her. And the creation she made inspired partially by him. Then he fell asleep...if I could sleep right now I would.

I hate myself for this

All night he was in my dreams so when I awoke to a body pushed up against mine I thought it was his and smiled into my pillow with my eyes still closed...then when I realized it wasn't him I turned and slowly pressed my knees along his back to push his body away from mine and to the other side of the bed. I watched his still and quiet face a moment as he slept without the faintest glimmer of detecting this abrubt and cruel physical separation and my eyes watered. It was that precise moment when the deepest sadness settled in my skin which has coated me all the day.

[10.16.06 7:30pm]

this is what I see

rain falls on the quiet leaves
pushing the warmth out

I want

to die inside of you.

apples

there were apple orchards speeding by the car...ripe red circles dotted the landscape here and there. Imagined you picking them off the trees like you so wish to do in the fall. I savored the sight and chose to embed it in my heart rather than a digital image to place so coldly on a screen. After they ceased to be in my view I shot the less important landscape speeding by their back window. The sky was full of thick blue water waiting to spill out over us as we boarded the boat for the long journey home.

this sunday was better

sundays always get me down

ever since my year in Italy Sundays always get me down. one entire day where nothing is open and all doors close you out. surely there was the occasional little tourist trinket store or restaurant with doors wide open ... yet with nothing substantial to offer within.

this day started early for me as I drove my momma-san to the airport. she'll spend a week in my favorite american city of New Orleans, helping demo + rebuild houses still untouched after Katrina's wrath. hours later my presence was requested at lunch. after driving around only to discover that two of the restaurants we craved were both closed (further solidifying my Sunday sadness) we happened upon a southern bbq restaurant out in suburbia. I inched over in the booth and then slouched down in my seat as the blues music and southern atmosphere entered my senses. I became quiet and reflective as my mind traveled to thoughts of southern dusty roads and my happiness that lay await for me there.

I sipped a mojito, ate half of my food, then we skirted out of there. I requested that we stop at a gigantic antique store that was open by the side of the road. once inside, even THAT didn't cheer me up. I crouched down to my knees then sat on the floor slowly rifling though baskets of old photos, and even their ancient faces couldn't cheer me...in fact it just made it worse. At one point my eyes blurred and I had to lean my head back and close my eyes so as not to let tears fall. they never smile in those photos and sometimes it just weighs on me...

in any case I found one group photo which I presumed must have been taken on a Sunday as it appeared a leisurely atmosphere, and this made me smile because it reminded me that Sunday...this day is supposed to be the day of recreation, the relaxing day, the one day NOT to work, and to enjoy your loved ones...

just watch it please

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

[The song: 'Land Locked Blues' by Bright Eyes. The video creator: a guy named Mike]

there is a thing

called depression.

from which I suffer.

my head unscrewed a little last night,

and I'm unable to twist it back on right.

the grey morning sky pressed heavy upon me so that I could not lift the covers off of my body this day.

and there I lay flattened under its pressure.

tell me - how will I survive a life in a city which only receives sunlight 3 months out of every year on average?

tell me how?

the air smells like damp wood. like I may slip on it and fall. and injur myself on accident.

bright eyes

.bright voice. .going on 3 days straight of only allowing his voice and words in my ears.

[although I wish I took that picture, I did not. It was not captioned]

another 'yawn' post

one more day has gone by........but I still feel the same.....will I go back for a third try?

1/3 of my life spent there...everyone I love the mostest resides there (almost). I cannot complain about the sudden rush of emails and phone calls...no way....however it thaws me out and I realize I built up quite the astonishing cast of friends over there.

I've always been complimented on my friends - peeps tell me all the time that if someone is a friend of mine - they must be amazing. Tis' true, I'll admit...I spot and keep the golden ones. Just so happens that the largest contingency resides in the golden state currently or else they are scattered thorughout Europe.

In any case...I am still numb and will not allow emotion..or is it because I do not actually feel anything at all...or rather that I am so much in denial that I don't even recognize myself?

ok

I've been numb ever since I left SF...but I talked for many hours to one of my closest friends in SF this night and all of these memories are flooding over me and I'm asking myself how the hell did I leave that all behind? As if it meant nothing? It hurts in a magnitude I cannot fathom my body bearing right now. Yet I cannot cry still...I'm afraid. 12 years. So many memories, and lately through emails, phone calls, mail, myspace messages, you are all taunting me to come back...asking when?

I am nothing here...the days fall down as I said earlier...what does she do??? what to do? I miss them all so...why does the world have to be so big when it really just feels so small?

the days...

...fall down like domino's...
where do they go? I have no stories to tell the Left Coast so I don't answer when the metal object rings. Why do I shut out the world? I'm sorry. I've just been consumed.

gabrielle

I shot this earlier today...having no idea I would turn into her within a few hours while sitting alone in that darkened theater. Watching the dark ancient scenes mingled with the French voices. I recall not long ago watching the preview of this film and feeling uneasy in my seat as Hubby leaned and whispered to me "she is you, that is you".

He was so right. And at one point she uttered something I have found myself telling only my most intimate of friends as of late. I was paralyzed in my seat from then on. And upon leavng the theater I drove directly home rather than the current engagement to which I am expectd at in 7 minutes time.

I cannot walk out of a film like that and into the bustle of others pointless banter...I needed some time alone first in my sanctuary to digest it. I came home and slipped out of my sandals to feel my bare feet along the warm wooden floorboards of my house, walking between rooms in the darkness of blue. I am coated in a dark blue light all day...as Gabrielle is in the film. Her pale white freckeld skin and dark red hair. She is me. I am her.

When I was s little girl I named myself Gabrielle for a while. People would tell me that it was such a grown up name for such a little girl. I smile at those words now. I didn't understand what they meant, because I did not undertsand that it would take years before I grew into her. How ironic life is...and I don't even want to be her anymore...not for an instant.

no diving?

Oh is that right? Because it's too late I already did. And now you push me out to sea.
So many words to spill but instead I'll keep them and wrap them around my shoulders to build up my armor which I so badly need at this moment ... to protect the fragile one within whom you exposed ... but why'd you even bother ... if only to vanish.
9.2.06

leave me behind next time

it hurts watching beautiful moments + things fade away into the untouchable distance

you stupid girl

.1. it hurts


.2. however the mind gathers strength


.3. to lift her head and open her eyes


He spun you right round. All day my head repeats my title. You have no one to blame but yourself. You've been spun up into a knotted ball. Now gather the strength to spread yourself out into a neat little line.

[this was actually written Sunday (8.27.06) at 2:58 pm with photos taken Saturday (8.26.06) at around the same hour]

swinger

The first day this whole summer that I wore close-toed shoes and my wool winter jacket. But I got to swing in the rain with my entire extended family, and in my book not much beats that!!!!!

overboard

Yesterday we ventured out on the little boat and rode along the coastline of the long lake.
I shared less than a handful of words.
While cruising along I let my legs dangle off of the back side of the boat.
At one point, in the distance, I noticed an older boy swaying on a rocking chair out at the end of his dock, just lazily rocking back and forth while reading a book.
The landscape and cottage behind him was so sleepy and southern in appearance.
I quickly glanced back and around our crowded heavy little boat to all of the high-pitched conversations and thought to myself that it quite possibly would take some time before any of them noticed if I quietly slipped into the water and swam over to that sleepy setting and hid away for the rest of my summer days.
Yes I truly did contemplate this...quite heavily in fact - for a few minutes...until the pituresque image started fading away into a tiny unidentifiable speck... until finally it was too late. Even then I could never seem to take my eyes off of that spot, and therefore I kept looking back against my will. I could not push the thought out of my head about what I'd say - or how I'd explain myself while swimming up to him unaware.

hmmmm

one day in their presence - and granted it's great - they love me blindly...no matter what crazy thought I throw out there it's caught in their net and hugs are thrown back at me...but...why is it - the more I DON'T want to be loved....the more I feel I AM actually loved???

I just sit in the back seat these past 2 days and as pops was a Brigade Commander in the Swedish Military - he lets me talk of the civil war and only then do my eyes light up...but aside from that my thoughts stray to the blue forbidden land...

I can't recall the words...
or the feeling it instilled in me...
some utter reassuring silence
that I walk alone, no hand in mine, yet with me that's fine.

Who doens't truly walk alone?
All of you who think you feel momentarily utterly fulfilled...
...are you really though?

Or do you, like me - know that this world is one, and you are only one, not one part of it's mass,
and that's why it hurts so uncontrollably...the day to day.

My knees fall down heavily on the stairs...when I try to climb away from it all...away from all of you.
To curl in a ball alone in some darkened obscure corner in the galaxies. Up and away...

The scenes ripped open my belly, and ripped the flesh over the chest..so that the heart is exposed, how would this not reduce one to tears? I'm sure you must understand! One other soul MUST understand. Yet, none do I am certain, for none of you are truly on my train, some of you are quiet voyeurs, but only that.

.sigh.
this raw realization will soon fade, as it always does...and I will conform back to the temporary lulling numbness of the blind sheeps ways which I fear I have fallen victim to, and silently succumbed to over the past many, many years.

however, inside the bud is still vitally alive and full of a life many of you may never know...

...and now silence engulfs my mind, and so I will part ways this night...part away from this - the emptiest world ever known to man.

stars + mars

I promised I would look at the stars this night

moody

Today is actually the 18th...I like mixing these up. A week ago I posted an entry that I shouldn't have. It remained up here only for the duration of my 5-6 hour sleeping bout. Last night I couldn't close my eyes until 5....and I slept like hell only to awake grumpy and paranoid that I had posted all of the thoughts that had been trailing through my mind last night keeping me awake in the pitch black darkness.

I am becoming miserably depressed...it was I who said reassuringly that the days would get better and easier with time, yet it is I who am self-destructing as each one wares onwards. The other one worried about it being hard, yet he is having it much easier than I.

How does this happen to one? I mean HOW the fuck did I let this happen to myself? In any case I can't really tolerate the mental game of it all much longer...it's making me insane.

And my poor inlaws...my introverted behavior as of late is making them paranoid that we need a break from them already. I am not myself lately, and being forced to inhabit close quarters with others for hours on end as of late is ALSO taking it's toll on me. It makes me feel so bad...it's just that usually there is a beaming light in my eyes, usually I'm falling all over in giggle fits, and sitting at the edge of my chair telling elaborate stories while wildy gesticulating.....usually I'm so ALIVE....and all they met here on this tirp so far is a little forlorn zombie who only lit up when she talked about CW, or when each night they watch CW movies with her to her TOTAL shock and happiness (really though - how cool is that - every night pops says "and now Lorena...a civil war movie we will watch") teehee...ok THAT made me smile just now...it's the first smile of the day...perhaps I'll leave on that more positive note instead of burying my head back in the darkness.

sigh...and I had SO much more to say....and vent - but perhaps later when the mother-in-law is not coming in here every 5 seconds and reading whatever I write over my shoulder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I totally see where he gets it from!

occupado

.you occupy the shell...so you had better enjoy it...













...for it's the only thing you'll ever truly own in this life.

the south...

is still where it's at for me. I was looking at some of the photos on some stranger's page of the southern landscape...and a melancholy ensued in my head. this will be a quiet day.

in my dream last night I went back to California and realized I was better suited there however I knew that coming to the east coast was part of the process. I leaned out of a big open window in my new home there...no screens because there were no bugs. but the sun never came up.

still I am arrested by the leftover trails of knowledge that this dream somehow imparted upon me. can't make sense of it and it's troubling me.

I am at a complete standstill. I'm going to walk up to the sun and place out my hands. bye now.

the words come later I told her

this is where we spent our minutes yesterday. we climbed those stone stairs that wove around the bending and descending water.
.everyone has their place.
.to be.
I found ours and it was agreed upon immediately.
we slowly tiptoed along slippery wet rocks to the shade and partially undressed before placing our bodies in the shallow pool near the sound of the accordion player.

there we sat as the warm and forceful water pushed against our arms for the next hour. my face was wide and bright. I held my knees tightly in my arms and rested my face upon them as I watched the water ball up and fall away in the distance. she sat across from me and we shot eachother silent smiles. soon 8 children came and played within our space. they shared the constant smile with us. it makes my eyes water to recall it now. after some time they left and all turned repeatedly to wave again and again and again. they could not seem to stop looking back. strangers mean something sometimes... to them I am grateful.

she is gone 5 hours now. on a train headed south, my eternally favorite direction...some day I will wrap that word permanently around this body. "how romantic..." I said as I let her out of my arms at the station earlier this day "...the train and the american landscape."

mine eyes hurt at the edges now. I went and lay on her bed and fell asleep just now. like last night as we lay still in the darkness on our backs talking. only to wake to a new day 5 hours later. I had wanted to sleep next to her the whole duration because I do not like where I lay at night as of late. I want my own room. my own space. my own skin. my own air. my own tears.

I am suffocating this way. always watching over me. tending to me. at my feet. over my shoulder. hands all over me that I constantly push away. god help me. on the sunday boat your voice followed me - telling me constantly to be careful, at one point I kneeled on the slippery bow of the boat and growled before your words sent me plunging over the side to the deepest depths of the darkness to let out my screams.

the words are elsewhere

and this last day

...I wanted to dive deep between the water to scream...

...but momma-san was there to save me...

...and help me gather the fallen words back up.

Out on blue and red rafts we floated to the center of the lake. I threw the words out over the water and the waves brought them crashing back to us. Sometimes this startled her and she'd scream and we'd let our heads fall in laughter and splashes.

All that darkness swelling beneath my body, not knowing what dwelled there. My worst fears would rise and make my feet kick quickly to move us in such a way that made the water blur out and fade away from my peripheral view.

Momma-san held fast to my raft as I dragged her for 3 hours with my paddling arms and haunting words. The sun settled within our skin. I hold that heat even now...the warmth of knowing I am loved unconditionally.

hmmmm

this is the third day in which Hubbs wedding ring sits on the little ledge in the kitchen...directly next to the salt and pepper shaker he uses at least twice a day when he prepares our food - mind you.

this day

...I wanted to sleep beneath the water...









...but I only got this far...