Sunday, September 24, 2006

sundays always get me down



ever since my year in Italy Sundays always get me down. one entire day where nothing is open and all doors close you out. surely there was the occasional little tourist trinket store or restaurant with doors wide open ... yet with nothing substantial to offer within.

this day started early for me as I drove my momma-san to the airport. she'll spend a week in my favorite american city of New Orleans, helping demo + rebuild houses still untouched after Katrina's wrath. hours later my presence was requested at lunch. after driving around only to discover that two of the restaurants we craved were both closed (further solidifying my Sunday sadness) we happened upon a southern bbq restaurant out in suburbia. I inched over in the booth and then slouched down in my seat as the blues music and southern atmosphere entered my senses. I became quiet and reflective as my mind traveled to thoughts of southern dusty roads and my happiness that lay await for me there.

I sipped a mojito, ate half of my food, then we skirted out of there. I requested that we stop at a gigantic antique store that was open by the side of the road. once inside, even THAT didn't cheer me up. I crouched down to my knees then sat on the floor slowly rifling though baskets of old photos, and even their ancient faces couldn't cheer me...in fact it just made it worse. At one point my eyes blurred and I had to lean my head back and close my eyes so as not to let tears fall. they never smile in those photos and sometimes it just weighs on me...

in any case I found one group photo which I presumed must have been taken on a Sunday as it appeared a leisurely atmosphere, and this made me smile because it reminded me that Sunday...this day is supposed to be the day of recreation, the relaxing day, the one day NOT to work, and to enjoy your loved ones...

Friday, September 15, 2006

just watch it please


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

[The song: 'Land Locked Blues' by Bright Eyes. The video creator: a guy named Mike]

Thursday, September 14, 2006

there is a thing

called depression.

from which I suffer.

my head unscrewed a little last night,

and I'm unable to twist it back on right.

the grey morning sky pressed heavy upon me so that I could not lift the covers off of my body this day.

and there I lay flattened under its pressure.

tell me - how will I survive a life in a city which only receives sunlight 3 months out of every year on average?

tell me how?

the air smells like damp wood. like I may slip on it and fall. and injur myself on accident.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

bright eyes


.bright voice. .going on 3 days straight of only allowing his voice and words in my ears.

[although I wish I took that picture, I did not. It was not captioned]

Thursday, September 07, 2006

another 'yawn' post

one more day has gone by........but I still feel the same.....will I go back for a third try?

1/3 of my life spent there...everyone I love the mostest resides there (almost). I cannot complain about the sudden rush of emails and phone calls...no way....however it thaws me out and I realize I built up quite the astonishing cast of friends over there.

I've always been complimented on my friends - peeps tell me all the time that if someone is a friend of mine - they must be amazing. Tis' true, I'll admit...I spot and keep the golden ones. Just so happens that the largest contingency resides in the golden state currently or else they are scattered thorughout Europe.

In any case...I am still numb and will not allow emotion..or is it because I do not actually feel anything at all...or rather that I am so much in denial that I don't even recognize myself?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

ok

I've been numb ever since I left SF...but I talked for many hours to one of my closest friends in SF this night and all of these memories are flooding over me and I'm asking myself how the hell did I leave that all behind? As if it meant nothing? It hurts in a magnitude I cannot fathom my body bearing right now. Yet I cannot cry still...I'm afraid. 12 years. So many memories, and lately through emails, phone calls, mail, myspace messages, you are all taunting me to come back...asking when?

I am nothing here...the days fall down as I said earlier...what does she do??? what to do? I miss them all so...why does the world have to be so big when it really just feels so small?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

the days...

...fall down like domino's...
where do they go? I have no stories to tell the Left Coast so I don't answer when the metal object rings. Why do I shut out the world? I'm sorry. I've just been consumed.