Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
and this last day
...I wanted to dive deep between the water to scream...
...but momma-san was there to save me...
...and help me gather the fallen words back up.
Out on blue and red rafts we floated to the center of the lake. I threw the words out over the water and the waves brought them crashing back to us. Sometimes this startled her and she'd scream and we'd let our heads fall in laughter and splashes.
All that darkness swelling beneath my body, not knowing what dwelled there. My worst fears would rise and make my feet kick quickly to move us in such a way that made the water blur out and fade away from my peripheral view.
Momma-san held fast to my raft as I dragged her for 3 hours with my paddling arms and haunting words. The sun settled within our skin. I hold that heat even now...the warmth of knowing I am loved unconditionally.
...but momma-san was there to save me...
...and help me gather the fallen words back up.
Out on blue and red rafts we floated to the center of the lake. I threw the words out over the water and the waves brought them crashing back to us. Sometimes this startled her and she'd scream and we'd let our heads fall in laughter and splashes.
All that darkness swelling beneath my body, not knowing what dwelled there. My worst fears would rise and make my feet kick quickly to move us in such a way that made the water blur out and fade away from my peripheral view.
Momma-san held fast to my raft as I dragged her for 3 hours with my paddling arms and haunting words. The sun settled within our skin. I hold that heat even now...the warmth of knowing I am loved unconditionally.
hmmmm
this is the third day in which Hubbs wedding ring sits on the little ledge in the kitchen...directly next to the salt and pepper shaker he uses at least twice a day when he prepares our food - mind you.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
momma-san
it was so nice stepping in and upon your wooden floors barefoot just now. your house smells of the most lovely images my heart can imagine. as I stood out on your balcony with your watering can I saw the soil consume the small rain that poured. it made me smile Momma-San. there I stood watering your soil while you now walk upon mine in Gettysburg. How fitting is that? You and Nana roam around with your eyes coating that place which I love most. with the amount of water my eyes have stored up I could have easily kept that soil damp for you, but ironically while within your walls it was the only time mine eyes went completely dry.
I stood at the doorway upon departure, hesitating. I didn't want to go. The only allure outside that door for me was the forest in the distance that seemed to beckon. I love that one must drive through a small chaotic jungle before being spewed out to the expanse of the sea that is your backyard essentially...little Momma-San in my mind we embrace.
[that is not a pic of Momma's balcony]
not everything has a title
Strange dreams. Never daylight. I went through the actions of your day, only with my cast. I woke up this morning abruptly. No reason...and just as soon as I was jolted awake I felt a tight grip around the jugular. There it stays, apparently only tightening as the minutes go on. At this point tears sit at the edges of the eyes waiting to take flight.
I'll never be normal
plain and simple. so why should I be surprised that when I went down to bed just now and a bottle of my favorite "extinct" oil the hill woman made fell and crashed into the sink....spraying the freshly cleaned white sprakling bathroom I slaved over for 2 hours today in the muggiest heat....why should I be surprised that I picked up a shard of that glass and ran it along my arm to appease the chaos of that horrid sight. dark brown oil splattered over everything: my fresh white rug I had just placed down moments before after I took it out of the dryer, the floor, the walls, the sink, the mirror, the counters, the objects, and me.
and then the deepr pain which is starting to make me insane. and all for what? what will come of it and the distance? I'm making myself suffer - why can't I stop it. I had no idea I had it this bad...no fucking idea. it's been 14 years since I last made a cut....14 years, divide that in half ... 7...7 years....the 7 year cycle..I hate the number 7...and it would always be 7....I need to go back to the numbness. numb. number.
and then the deepr pain which is starting to make me insane. and all for what? what will come of it and the distance? I'm making myself suffer - why can't I stop it. I had no idea I had it this bad...no fucking idea. it's been 14 years since I last made a cut....14 years, divide that in half ... 7...7 years....the 7 year cycle..I hate the number 7...and it would always be 7....I need to go back to the numbness. numb. number.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
no words for strangers
...especially those who lack class. Yesterday I was standing third in line for the ladies room at a bar and the two "women" in front of me weren't holding their liquor very well lets just say. The second lady kept half squatting - doing the potty dance, or what have you and shouting loudly to the woman in the bathroom, then went up and starting pulling hard on the locked bathroom door, shaking it in its frame. I was astonished and embarrassed to even bare witness to this.
She then looked at me and said something I couldn't decipher and laughed. I just stood still and fluttered my eyelids saying ".....hmmmm...do you know that woman in there?" To which she flung her hand out at me as if to swat something in the air between our faces and said "heavens no....mummmmble mummm" to which I again said "hmmmmm" and smiled courteously at her and turned my head away to shield a smile from bursting into a laugh. Then she started discussing the possibility that the bathroom wouldn't have a pleasing scent judging from the length of time it had been occupied thus far...only her wording was not very lady-like I can assure you.
You MUST be kidding me I thought to myself. Then I started scanning my eyes over the other inhabitants of the bar and my throat dropped to my stomach in despair. "A whole other breed" I thought sadly to myself. Then suddenly the lady is reaching out and touching my hair and I squint my eyes and smile at her. "OH I WISH I HAD SUCH CUTE HAIR" she shouted in my face. "Well, we always want what we can't have so we better make the best of what we do have right?" I said. She just looked at me.
Then I quickly turned my head to see who just nudged me rudely and sloppily from behind and there stood this "voluptuous" woman who had made herself quite noticeable earlier on the dance floor by her "sexy/neauseating" movements. She stood looking up at me and said some senseless BS to which I could come up with nothing to say. Then she said "once you break the seal! There's not stopping it". I started gagging immediately and looked the other way and thank GOD it was finally my turn to use the ladies room!!!!
She then looked at me and said something I couldn't decipher and laughed. I just stood still and fluttered my eyelids saying ".....hmmmm...do you know that woman in there?" To which she flung her hand out at me as if to swat something in the air between our faces and said "heavens no....mummmmble mummm" to which I again said "hmmmmm" and smiled courteously at her and turned my head away to shield a smile from bursting into a laugh. Then she started discussing the possibility that the bathroom wouldn't have a pleasing scent judging from the length of time it had been occupied thus far...only her wording was not very lady-like I can assure you.
You MUST be kidding me I thought to myself. Then I started scanning my eyes over the other inhabitants of the bar and my throat dropped to my stomach in despair. "A whole other breed" I thought sadly to myself. Then suddenly the lady is reaching out and touching my hair and I squint my eyes and smile at her. "OH I WISH I HAD SUCH CUTE HAIR" she shouted in my face. "Well, we always want what we can't have so we better make the best of what we do have right?" I said. She just looked at me.
Then I quickly turned my head to see who just nudged me rudely and sloppily from behind and there stood this "voluptuous" woman who had made herself quite noticeable earlier on the dance floor by her "sexy/neauseating" movements. She stood looking up at me and said some senseless BS to which I could come up with nothing to say. Then she said "once you break the seal! There's not stopping it". I started gagging immediately and looked the other way and thank GOD it was finally my turn to use the ladies room!!!!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
drive-thru banking
The other day as I peeled into my banks parking lot I noticed the lot was full of cars (due to the chaos of a recent merger and buyout of the local chain) and the drive-thru only had about 5 cars in it. Obvious choice was the drive-thru where I could at least chill to my tunes instead of standing in a long line under Kenny G musak.
A little over a half an hour later it's my turn at the drive-up window. I wait....and wait...then start yelling silly things at the speaker because the bank was flooded inside and all of the employees had their backs to the window. I wait...., then I screamed jokingly at the top of my lungs "I'm getting very ANGRY out here...hahahaha!!!" - to which a lady inside turned abruptly around and leaned over to the microphone, clicked her little button and informed me "Ma-am, we are VERY busy helping other customers, we are doing the best we can and would appreciate your patience".
I started laughing really hard while rolling up all of my windows as if that would shield me somehow from their stares inside. How embarrassing...
A little over a half an hour later it's my turn at the drive-up window. I wait....and wait...then start yelling silly things at the speaker because the bank was flooded inside and all of the employees had their backs to the window. I wait...., then I screamed jokingly at the top of my lungs "I'm getting very ANGRY out here...hahahaha!!!" - to which a lady inside turned abruptly around and leaned over to the microphone, clicked her little button and informed me "Ma-am, we are VERY busy helping other customers, we are doing the best we can and would appreciate your patience".
I started laughing really hard while rolling up all of my windows as if that would shield me somehow from their stares inside. How embarrassing...
dropkicking words
I had all the words bundled up in my arms but I just dropped them, and I don't have the energy to gather them up again. Don't care to do much else but wait for the words you will offer me. Thats where my happiness lay. It isn't supposed to be this way.
It's always late at night ... when I'm moments from running away. I made a mistake when I inked my fathers name on my back....where one could only see it as I depart. I had put it there to remind myself who I am....and who not to be. I guess that ink didn't seep into my bloodstream because it's still my father's untainted blood running through my veins ... which I can do nothing about in the end.
I'd like to meet him now to see if he's learned from his mistakes. All I need is a handful of minutes. I don't even want to sit down - we can just stand in the doorway. ... I know I won't care what he says because nothing will help me now. I should go and look for those words and kick them deep in the corners ... out of sight.
It's always late at night ... when I'm moments from running away. I made a mistake when I inked my fathers name on my back....where one could only see it as I depart. I had put it there to remind myself who I am....and who not to be. I guess that ink didn't seep into my bloodstream because it's still my father's untainted blood running through my veins ... which I can do nothing about in the end.
I'd like to meet him now to see if he's learned from his mistakes. All I need is a handful of minutes. I don't even want to sit down - we can just stand in the doorway. ... I know I won't care what he says because nothing will help me now. I should go and look for those words and kick them deep in the corners ... out of sight.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
gone
when I woke up this morning my little belly was empty. all those little birds flew away without me. empty. don't want to put anything in there to replace them either. no appetite. can't eat.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I am
FUCKING DYING.
oops - didn't mean the all caps.
too much caffeine.
too many thoughts.
banged my head really hard by accident and have felt off-balance ever since.
my heart races too fast - I can't catch up - it takes away my breath.
I have words that I cannot share.
...keep them inside - where they fester - and haunt me.
the loud music is coarsing though my veins like speed.
a small guilt is brewing inside and nagging at me.
[omitted]
[omitted]
[omitted]
it shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to bury my head.
pour the dirt over me now.
maybe i'll crawl back into the hallowed ground this weekend.
back from whence I came.
oops - didn't mean the all caps.
too much caffeine.
too many thoughts.
banged my head really hard by accident and have felt off-balance ever since.
my heart races too fast - I can't catch up - it takes away my breath.
I have words that I cannot share.
...keep them inside - where they fester - and haunt me.
the loud music is coarsing though my veins like speed.
a small guilt is brewing inside and nagging at me.
[omitted]
[omitted]
[omitted]
it shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to bury my head.
pour the dirt over me now.
maybe i'll crawl back into the hallowed ground this weekend.
back from whence I came.
finally
...the day has come to pack the car for Gettysburg. To think I started this blog only a year ago right after I returned from that last trip there. This time we'll head down to Charlestown and Harper's Ferry for a day as well. I need to find a photo gig that allows me to just travel to Civil War battlefields/landmarks for the rest of my days.
It's starting to trip me out owning a home. It just feels like I'm playing grownup for a while. I told the hubs yesterday that if it doesn't work here, I'm already to leave. He said that of course I was, because I'm not happy no matter where I am. So true...so true.
Somewhere in there I have the soul of a gypsy and staying in one place too long makes me severely suffocated. That's why I need to take constant road trips, explore the world. I'm only truly happy then: the kind that dampens the sides of your eyes when you shut them in the dizziness of bliss.
I already feel their feathered wings beating against my rib cage, ready for flight, ready to carry me off. The three little blue birds in my belly...they're really there
It's starting to trip me out owning a home. It just feels like I'm playing grownup for a while. I told the hubs yesterday that if it doesn't work here, I'm already to leave. He said that of course I was, because I'm not happy no matter where I am. So true...so true.
Somewhere in there I have the soul of a gypsy and staying in one place too long makes me severely suffocated. That's why I need to take constant road trips, explore the world. I'm only truly happy then: the kind that dampens the sides of your eyes when you shut them in the dizziness of bliss.
I already feel their feathered wings beating against my rib cage, ready for flight, ready to carry me off. The three little blue birds in my belly...they're really there
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