moody

Today is actually the 18th...I like mixing these up. A week ago I posted an entry that I shouldn't have. It remained up here only for the duration of my 5-6 hour sleeping bout. Last night I couldn't close my eyes until 5....and I slept like hell only to awake grumpy and paranoid that I had posted all of the thoughts that had been trailing through my mind last night keeping me awake in the pitch black darkness.

I am becoming miserably depressed...it was I who said reassuringly that the days would get better and easier with time, yet it is I who am self-destructing as each one wares onwards. The other one worried about it being hard, yet he is having it much easier than I.

How does this happen to one? I mean HOW the fuck did I let this happen to myself? In any case I can't really tolerate the mental game of it all much longer...it's making me insane.

And my poor inlaws...my introverted behavior as of late is making them paranoid that we need a break from them already. I am not myself lately, and being forced to inhabit close quarters with others for hours on end as of late is ALSO taking it's toll on me. It makes me feel so bad...it's just that usually there is a beaming light in my eyes, usually I'm falling all over in giggle fits, and sitting at the edge of my chair telling elaborate stories while wildy gesticulating.....usually I'm so ALIVE....and all they met here on this tirp so far is a little forlorn zombie who only lit up when she talked about CW, or when each night they watch CW movies with her to her TOTAL shock and happiness (really though - how cool is that - every night pops says "and now Lorena...a civil war movie we will watch") teehee...ok THAT made me smile just now...it's the first smile of the day...perhaps I'll leave on that more positive note instead of burying my head back in the darkness.

sigh...and I had SO much more to say....and vent - but perhaps later when the mother-in-law is not coming in here every 5 seconds and reading whatever I write over my shoulder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I totally see where he gets it from!