my hands are still so cold

I have the tiniest tremors...so I tremble.
Piano Concerto No. 2 - Adagio Sostenuto ... in my headphones blare...
I went to the theater alone this night again
and cried.

On the way home I rolled all of the windows down so I could feel the cold night air
whipping through the crevices.

The moonlight bright.

I stopped and sat at a green light, not knowing it. When it was about to turn red I drove....on the overpass.
I cupped my hand over my mouth and giggled and the wind crept by and took it away.
Silence.
I turned my head to see where it would go and seeing only blue light coat the darkened earth I glanced quickly at my rearview.
A red light flashed behind me.

I don't belong to this place. A car quickly approached me around the bend in front. I gripped the wheel tightly with my frozen hands. "Are you always prepared for the moment to end?" I asked myself outloud in a whipser? Then my eyes met mine in the rearview and I nodded with a smile "yes!"

For what if that car swerved onto me - how sad for the soul to be lost and confused alone on that dark cold road? Would I try to walk home to my front door? I left the light on for myself to find the way before I departed this night. I never do that.

The piano is piercing my ears right now! Splendid life!

He just placed a hot cup of my favorite tea and a small slice of toast with cheese and orange marmalade by my side here as I write. I requested silence immediately when he greeted me at the door just now. "Silence please?" I whispered with my finger in front of my smiling mouth.

Some small words crowd at my mouth begging for release...but no.....no....no...I tell them gently before swallowing them. You must stay with me always - my words are only for me as no one understands - only I do. When I was a little girl I was told by an old soul that I had a silent power...it's only over time that I allowed others to infulence my way by allowing the dilution of meaning with excessive words escaping the lips.

The season of thieves is upon me - the cold steals everything, takes all of my words and runs too fast ahead of me so that I can NEVER catch up! And that is when I unpack my camera and try again to find my voice in the deadened landscape. Allowing it to consume and digest me. When it is done I am left with images in my hands that I carefully place on warm wooden tables in candlelight to view before sinking into a chair so that I may listen to their color and shapes.

If you cannot be happy alone with yourself - you can never truly be happy. I become estaticly happy when alone. That is why the days are so difficult for me, always having another by my side. And I laugh to think he was worried for me before we moved!!!!! ha HA! "But just what will you do with your days while I am so busy always?"

...It was a beautiful ending this film had. He crawled into her bed and there beside it was the gift he had given her. And the creation she made inspired partially by him. Then he fell asleep...if I could sleep right now I would.