I smiled at you with watery eyes this afternoon as I sat across the booth from you at the diner. I had to bow my head and bite down hard, mentally releasing the rocky substance that was burning my eyes. For a second I thought of crawling beneath the table to hide and started the initial descent. Thats how overwhelming the pain felt at that moment. Then I looked up at you and uncomfortably laughed too loud because I wanted all else to disappear and leave me with you a moment so I could get up and reseat myself next to you and quietly take your hand in mine and squeeze your soft little fingers.
It started because you had made a dark and threatening joke about what you'd do if I died on a motorcycle, and then I ran with the joke for a while but you didn't like it when I said "no that wouldn't be on my hands Baby because I'd be dead...I wouldn't have hands anymore" and I laughed. You were speechless suddenly and then you huffily sat back against the booth and made a sad face as your eyes watered. It was too much. I had to break my eyes from your watery gaze because it was making me sink.
Earlier I broke a small lapse of silence while we ate by saying "Holden, I think I would want to name our son Holden" and your eyes widened, you were so happy, it was instantly as if I gave you the answer to some impossible riddle. You thought it was perfect because you always felt you were Holden Caulfield, then you revealed another aspect of yourself that I hadn't known and it made me smile real wide.
When I had suggested the name Applejack 3 or 4 years ago you loved that too until our friends and relatives started shouting at us that it was abuse of some form to name a child that, so over time we became insecure about it and never toyed with a boys name again. We were sitting and watching an old B+W classic movie and the servant was named Applejack and I turned to you and said it would be such a cool name for a son and you slowly turned to me with your eyes popping and said "holy shit, I was just thinking the same thing in my head baby". That was one of the first times we spoke of having kids.
Sometimes at night I panic and hold you after I hear your little snores and teeth grinding, and feel your little sleep spasms that minutely jerk your limbs, and tears stream down my face because I count my fucking blessings that you are mine, that your flesh is alive and your heart steadily pumps the blood that runs through your precious soft veins. I squeeze you tight in my arms and then rest a hand on your belly and smile because it protudes ever so slightly. Even in your sleep you make me laugh my little dove.
4 comments:
Holy love...it's powerful and precious and god damn, something to hold onto. This entry made my heart goop all over...you two are blessed with each other, and an even greater blessing that you both realize it.
yeah well Brooks - I read it to Hubster after seeing your comment and he edged closer to me and held my hand, then I looked up at him and noticed a mischievous grin surfaced on his face. he told me that he reads my blog at work. grrr. I had told him not to after I had written an entry about a fling I'd had with an older gent when I was younger. somehow that request got misconstrued.
He said he loved it, that it was all accurate except the brown bunny entry, (he's not passive aggressive that is).
He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to edit myself...grrrr
and P! Loyal is a beautiful name and it's not too late for his existence. Many of our acquaintances here are having their pups in their very late 30's so that still gives plenty of time!
you like the name Applejack really? well it would be Holden Applejack...and I always loved the sound of 'Vodka' for a girl but of course thats never going to happen!
A friend of mine form london named his daughter after his favourite drink. Martell is her name, shes 7 and a lovely kid.
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