Part I :: 08.15.05
I'm sneaking this post into a past draft because who wants to hear this - no one. I can't breathe. My eyes hold wet dust and I cannot see. My heart is a piece of tracing paper. These days I only photograph at night in my dreams. My shoulders feel pinned to the walls. There is no motivation. I want to crawl inside the music and hold your hand. Feeling sick to death with loneliness.
Part II :: 08.16.05
And now a photo stalker phones and leaves messages. He wants to meet me and talk about photography. He wants to show me his work because he thinks it will have the same effect on me that mine does on him. He's called twice now in two days. Apparently he overlooked the email link on my site. I made Hubby take my address off of it. Hubby suggests I explain to him that I am a private person.
I'm a hibernating bomb waiting to explode and I can't wear the happy optimistic bullshit mask these days. I scare my friends with my dark frankness and that's when I realize that hardly any of my friends here even have a clue who the fuck I really am. I came here to hide, I ran away from my life 11 years ago in N.Y. because there were horrible secrets that were pushing me to the brink. I just spend a lot of these days with tears seeping in my lids, sometimes I sit real still and don't let them spill over, I like to wait for them to dry up instead.
Hubby makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes my heart burn but he's so innocent and pure he can never possibly understand the empty hole. When I was a little girl I used to imagine dead people whom I worshipped in some way: writers/artists/musicians what have you. I used to have to imagine them following me around to make the days feel special and not as lonely. And then that loneliness went away as I grew older but for the past few months it's come back and now I have to imagine my dead hero's following me again. I feel like a child. Last night we went for tapas/dinner and suprised a new friend for his birthday and while we were at the restaurant's bar 2 men didn't take their eyes away from me so to not hate them and to make the night more interesting I injected Lewis into one and someone else in the other. An evening that felt painfully dull suddenly came alive for me in my imagination. Both of those new incarnations stayed true to my game, they stared the whole time we sat there. Stupid game. Stupid girl. A dead would-be assassin...brilliant way to spruce up the evening.
The night before I didn't need to do that when I was with you A. You were perfection, every second had meaning and you and I didn't want to walk away from eachother when we went outside after our sangria at the piano bar in our hood. You bent over to look at the playing cards that lay on the street and sidewalk, There were 3 of them. A jack, 8, and 10 of hearts. And I shouted "Don't you even start, they don't mean anything!" You knew I was lying too. The next day I emailed you to assure you I thought you were darling precisely for your little wonderful way of seeing signs in everything. That you knew I was the same, it just weakens with I'm with you, and you said you were just thinking about that too and were about to email me thanking me for the perfection.
I need to take another road trip. Need to get away. The cement infested landscape makes me want to scream. I'm ready to run away again. It's hard being married when you're used to getting up and moving to the other side of the world at your leisure. It's a constant battle that eats at me at least a few times a year. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll forget that I'm married and just wander off somewhere. Perhaps thats my father in me, the constant desire to run. I just spent the past half an hour searching his name again. I wonder if he ever searches for my name. I wonder if he is proud when he finds me. But I'm pretty sure he's not. He never wanted me to be an artist. He never wanted me to be "different".
Part III :: 08.17.05
This must be a nightmare but it's not. The fucking roofers are here and it's Saturday morning! Pounding and drilling on my bedroom ceiling! Thanks for the warning yet again c--k suckers!
4 comments:
Well when I saw her leaning over the card I knew it was going to be hearts and I knew she would be strung on it if it were a jack and sure enough, a jack of hearts. It's not the first time she and I have found playing cards face up on a street together. I think there's a healthly dose of sign seeing, but there comes a time when you must draw the line, take the reigns and be the master of your own fate. With some there is the eternal quest for love, and perfection in that love. When in fact that doesn't exist and some people will look for deeper meaning, clues, signs to carry them through and draw them blindly until they knock into that grand pedestal, and they'll look up and find their perfection gazing down upon them.
That is suffering, longing is suffering. Keep it simple I told you last night. We didn't talk about the cards really as to what they meant, it's some silent understanding of all of her and my history together as friends that was understood in a split second where as it would take forever to explain to others.
Anyway, perhaps she took that be a symbol of a man in her future, I playfully scolded her not to extract meaning from him, I mean he was flat on his back in a fucking gutter you know?
Mmmmm, your words are tasty. She saw the card and the contents, I saw the card and contents AND the gutter...
I never mentioned that gutter part to her. She is one of my friends, one of the very few, you are one of these, that are so intricately woven into my soul, and aside from the cosmos, it is your brilliant minds/souls/hearts that make me feel bonded eternally to each of you. She like you is everything a person could ask for in life, so like you, I know she will no doubt find the man who is worthy of her roaming the earth looking for her as well. Good things come to those who wait, especially the ones who wait with patience and unyielding optimism.
A friend told me once, oh I KNOW you will find a wonderful man some day who will love you more than life itself and that's what I say to you and A without any doubts in my heart.
It's healthy to give up longing something abstract. Like an idea of love or an ideal love. When you love yourself to the brim, your vibes will start knocking on the right people's doors.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
No it's not at all baloney P. How you feel about yourself is how you project yourself, therefore giving off signals as to how others will perceive you and yes screwy people find partners, so what?
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