[this is the last paragraph I decided to omit from the 101005 entry only after someone alluded to me being mentally ill]
My mother asked me if I was going to kill myself one day in that silence. Probably because I'd got up and locked myself in the bathroom in the middle of dinner at my older brother's house, started screaming at the top of my lungs and placed an imaginary gun in my mouth (my fingers) - and pulled the trigger again and again and again and then I let my body go limp and fell to the floor and shut my eyes tight. The sound of my brothers and mothers fists pounding wildly against the door faded away as I pluggd my ears and hummed myself far away... to anywhere but here. I didn't tell the Swede about any of that though.
[Mentally Ill...if being repeatedly physically, mentally, and sexually abused when you were young and therefore you sometimes suffer in difficult situations due to it, if that makes you mentally ill, then half the children growing up in the world right now are ill. Due to that time in my life and having to face one of my abusers mixed with discovering I was lied to and other facets I won't disclose, I really lost my wits end - it was more than I could carry on my young shoulders at once.]
2 comments:
what exactly is bah - patooey in reference to?
ok good! I have to go and look at your september post I couldn't figure out what you were talking about....[long pause] OK, I have to reread that later, I just walked in the door from a long day and yes I did read that post when it came out originally, I was bummed to discover that side of Sartre and Simone's compliance, mainly because it seemed one-sided and unfair...anyway, my brain is fried for the night, there were amny points about that ppost that I found interesting though.
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